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    Dating and Relationship Advice

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,

    I was wondering if you could help me. I am a 29-year guy who has been looking for his ezer kenegdo for quite a few years. Baruch Hashem, I believe I finally found her. There is only one problem. Although we have been dating for over 5 months, I recently discovered that she was not 28 as her shidduch resume suggested, but that she is actually 32. I only found this out circumstantially when she took out her driver’s license to show me how funny she looked in the picture. I immediately noticed her birthdate date, 1987, glaring at me. After a few days of wondering what I should do with this newfound piece of information, I brought it up to her. She immediately apologized and told me she was scared her age would prevent her from getting dates. She assured me that she has been honest about all the other details of her life that she has shared with me. I really want to forgive her. She is an amazing girl and we get along so well. But this whole incident is still bothering me. Now I’m wondering what other secrets she has hidden from me. How can I trust her again?

    Licensed to Lie in Lawrence

     

    Dear Licensed to Lie,

    We are so happy that you have found a woman you are possibly interested in spending the rest of your life with. We understand that you feel hurt and betrayed. Afterall, trust is an integral part of a strong relationship. By her lying to you, she severed that trust.

    We’d like you to consider a few viewpoints before figuring out how to proceed.

    First of all, try hard to put yourself in her shoes. As you most likely are aware, the shidduch process is very challenging and by the time a girl reaches her late twenties, her prospects are usually more limited. Now, imagine a girl in her thirties. We are not saying that her age gives her a license to lie but we do want you to fully understand the motive behind her actions so that you can try to empathize with her situation.

    You mentioned that you have been dating her for 5 months. We are sure that over this course of time you have gotten to know her pretty well. When she apologized, was it sincere? Are your thoughts of betrayal out of proportion in retrospect to her action or have you noticed her being very casual with the truth in general? Does she act with integrity in other areas of their life?

    Consider why it is so hard to let go of this incident. Have you yourself been hurt by others who have lied to you? If so, could that be hindering you from forgiving her? Could your past experiences be overwhelming your current life? If this is the case, you might want to seek professional help in moving forward.

    We believe that if you haven’t seen any other “red flags” you should give her the benefit of the doubt and she has been honest in all other areas of her life. Remember, we are all human and make mistakes. When you find yourself dwelling on the past and getting upset by what she has done, note the feeling but remember all the good qualities about her and why you have chosen to be in a relationship with her in the first place. Try to see her as a person as opposed to defining her by her mistake. We all would like to be seen as our entirety, not just by our worst moments. Work hard to accept what she has done wrong as that cannot be changed. Let go and forgive! By withholding your trust, you are preventing your relationship from moving forward in a healthy way. The choice is yours!

    Hatzlchah Rabah,

    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack