12 May Dating and Relationship Advice
Dear Rabbi and Shira, I love reading your article each week in The Jewish Vues. I hope you and your family are well. I have a problem. Right before Purim, I met a great guy. We saw each other several times and were really starting to “hit it off.” Then came Corona. We’ve been trying to zoom date. But it’s hard to keep the connection and momentum that we had when we were able to see each other in person. What should I do?
-Don’t want to mess this up in Brooklyn
Dear Don’t want to mess this up. Hi, hope you are well too. This COVID situation has put a lot of things on hold. We feel robbed, missing what “could have and should have been.” In general, our minds have ways of “hyping things up” and then when they don’t materialize, we feel let down. First, acknowledge the feeling. It’s ok to have the frustration of “this wasn’t the plan.” The feeling is real. Based on your previous experiences, your mind believed that there was a schedule and suddenly, it changed. So, notice and try to accept that feeling. Next, try to switch gears and go with the new plan. Welcome the new situation. It’s different and new. It feels a little out of control. So gently turn your mind to the question of what can we do to try to make it work. It’s most likely harder to have a conversation on Zoom than it is sitting together in a park. It’s less personable and things feel forced. We’d like to suggest that you make sure your dates are well structured, even on zoom. You’ll need to assure that there are activities, and planned conversation starters. Make sure that you ask open ended questions, which are questions which cannot be answered with one word. We’d advise taking turns planning the dates, so that each person can contribute to the activities. For example if you are doing a virtual paint night together, choose an interesting piece to paint and plan some conversation starters. Ie. Why did you choose this particular picture to paint? If you ever painted since you were in kindergarten? What are your favorite colors? Be in touch with your doctor for when you will be able to meet mask to mask, or maybe even, im Yirtzeh Hashem, face to face… Wishing you Hatazlacha in all your dating endeavours.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack