31 Dec Dating & Relationship Advice
Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Hi! I’ve been dating a guy seriously for the past few months. I like him. He’s handsome, intelligent, and has a great personality. We’ve started to talk seriously about marriage. Everything seemed to be going great until I recently found a high school yearbook picture of him. That is when I learned he used to be 50 pounds heavier. Don’t judge me, but I can’t get the worry out of my head that he use to be so much heavier. I’m not sure what to do.
Weighed Down in Woodmere
Dear Weighed Down,
Thank you for writing in. We are so glad that you found someone compatible for you. We understand your concerns about your boyfriends’ former weight so we complied several thoughts for you to consider.
1. What is actually scaring you about the thought of marrying someone who use to be heavy? Is it the fear that he could gain the weight back? Are you scared you will no longer be attracted to him? Are you scared your children will struggle with weight issues or that you won’t look like the picture perfect family? Have you struggled with weight, yourself? Understanding yourself, your own attitudes and perceptions towards weight will be the first step in revealing and navigating what weight means to you in your relationship.
2. Do you know how he lost the weight? Is he committed to a healthy lifestyle? If eating properly and exercising is an important value to him, why should you fear it won’t be one day and he will gain the weight back? It is impossible and not heathy to live in the uncertain world of “what if.” Another thought to consider is if maintaining a healthy lifestyle is not a priority for you, in your own personal life, then it is fair to have that expectation of him? How fair is it to have an expectation which you are not living with. This is not only true with regard to health, but any other expectation in life as well…
3. An important part of your relationship with him will be your acceptance of each other, your flaws, quirks, flairs and talents. This acceptance will include the total package of the person and your relationship, even if he gains weight in the future. (Obviously we never accept abusive behavior into our lives.) When worried thoughts are bothering you, take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Picture in your mind’s eye, a door with the words OUR LIFE on top of them. Imagine welcoming your boyfriend in to the door.
We hope these questions and thoughts will help you in your decision making process and that you will no longer feel weighed down by them…
All the best,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack