24 Nov 3 KEYS TO BEING HAPPY

When the
Founding Fathers included
the pursuit of
happiness as an
American right
and entitlement,
it is almost as if they conceded that
happiness can be pursued, but it is
unlikely to ever be attained. If you
look around, you can’t help but notice that for many, the pursuit has
grown tiring and indeed, many have
given up. In the last twenty years,
there has been an astounding increase in antidepressant use by
Americans. One might even suggest
that the growing effort to legalize
marijuana nationally is driven by a
community eager to find pleasure
and happiness, even if it is by escaping reality.
In 2006, Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert wrote a book called
“Stumbling on Happiness.” In it, he
argues that the things and experiences we typically predict and
imagine will bring us happiness,
rarely do. Rather, he says, happiness is elusive, and we should learn
from how others have stumbled
upon it. The first part of his thesis is
undeniable. Study after study has
concluded that money, fame, a power not only don’t contribute to happiness, but often are obstacles to
and detractors from experiencing it.
So how do we finally attain it?
1)Happiness is not an emotion; it is
a decision. Stop waiting passively
to feel it and start actively choosing
to be it.
In Parshas Ki Savo, the Torah says,
u’vau kol ha’berachos ha’eleh
v’hisigucha, which literally translates as “All these blessings will
come upon you and overtake you.”
What does it mean v’hisigucha, to
be overtaken by blessing? Rav
Shlomo Yosef Zevin explains that
Hashem gives each of us beracha,
blessing in our lives. That blessing
can manifest itself in all types of
form – material possessions, meaningful relationships, special skills,
wonderful opportunities, family,
and the list could go on and on. The
first blessing is the particular gift.
But even more important and an
even greater blessing is
v’hisigucha…to recognize, appreciate and acknowledge the blessing.
Simcha, happiness, occurs when we
make the decision to focus on the
blessings in our lives, no matter
how challenging or formidable the
struggles we face simultaneously. If
our happiness results from the blessings we already have, we can always find happiness because we always have at least something. But
if our happiness is determined by
what we don’t have, “If only I had
more money, a nicer house, a better
job, a more loving spouse, more
loyal children, etc.” we will never
be happy because we can always
have more. Therefore, by definition,
there will always be something we
don’t have.
The decision to be b’simcha, happy,
doesn’t only affect us but it can positively influence our environment
and family. Dr. Nicholas Christakis,
a physician at Harvard Medical
School, authored a study that concludes that happiness, scientifically
speaking, is literally contagious.
The same way a person yawning
causes others to also begin to yawn,
when one person smiles or is happy,
it is infectious and draws smiles and
happiness from others.
It has been suggested homiletically
that the etymology of the word simcha comes from sam-mo’ach, focus
your thoughts. Make the decision to
be happy and the feeling will follow.
2)Happiness comes from giving,
not from getting. It comes from being a giver, not a taker.
After many years concentrating on
what makes people depressed, social scientists are now beginning to
study what makes people happy.
Their answer is counter-intuitive.
Paradoxically, it turns out the biggest obstacle to achieving happiness
is our own pursuit of it. When happiness is defined by our needs, our
wants, and our desires, it will remain elusive and unattainable for
we will never have everything. Instead, studies show that people report better health and greater happiness when they volunteer for a
worthwhile cause or spend time
helping others. Moreover, studies
have shown the efficacy of volunteering and helping in combating
depression.
Happiness does not result from a focus inward, but it results from the
deep satisfaction and profound gratification of imitating G-d and helping others. At the end of Hilchos
Megillah (2:17), the Rambam
makes an incredible comment. He
asks, if a person has limited funds
and has to choose between having a
more lavish and luxurious
Purim meal, more extravagant and impressive
mishloach manos, or giving more matanos
l’evyonim, money to the
poor, what should he do
and why?
The Rambam codifies
that the resources should
be dedicated to helping
the indigent and poor because Purim is about simcha and there is no greater
happiness than bringing
joy to others, especially
the underprivileged.
Someone once wrote to
the Lubavitcher Rebbe z’l
in a state of deep depression and hopelessness.
The letter essentially said, “I would
like the Rebbe’s help. I wake up
each day sad and apprehensive. I
can’t concentrate. I find it hard to
pray. I keep the commandments, but
I find no spiritual satisfaction. I go
to the synagogue but I feel alone. I
begin to wonder what life is about. I
need help.”
The Rebbe sent a brilliant reply
back that did not use even a single
word. He simply circled the first
word of every sentence in the letter
and sent it back. The author of the
letter understood, and he was on the
path to greater happiness and hope.
The circled word at the beginning of
each sentence was ‘I’.
A self-centered person, a taker, can
never be happy in life because they
could never take enough. Givers
find joy in doing for others and
therefore have great access to happiness because there are always
ample opportunities to give.
3)Surrender control and let go, let
G-d.
Several summers ago, on a visit to
Israel, I decided to go skydiving and
to appreciate our homeland from a
new perspective. After a comprehensive five minutes of instruction,
I was taken up in a tiny plane that if
I wasn’t crazy enough to jump out
of, I was crazy to get into. With a
soft helmet on, and goggles on my
face, they placed me with my feet
dangling off the side of the airplane.
We were 12,000 feet in the air and
the beautiful land of Israel was a
fuzzy blur. I vividly remember
leaning over and looking down and
feeling like I couldn’t breathe.
Before I could have second
thoughts, I felt a nudge and out the
plane I went. I was heading towards
Mother Earth travelling over 100
miles an hour. The wind was rushing all around me, my arms and legs
were extended, and I think I tasted
my spleen. For a brief moment, I
felt panicked. “This is absolutely
nuts, what kind of crazy, insane person does this?” I thought to myself.
I started to get scared, worried and
anxious and then I remembered.
Immediately behind me, attached
by numerous metal latches and
clips, was a big Israeli man who
trains paratroopers in the Israeli
army and who does these jumps
around 8–10 times a day. We jumped
in tandem and the moment I remembered that he literally had my back,
I felt the biggest relief and was able
to enjoy the rest of this remarkable
experience.
The difference between a miserable,
painful, anxious experience and the
experience of my life, was remembering there was someone who had
my back and who knew what he was
doing. Six thousand feet and forty
five seconds into the jump, he pulled
the cord, the chute released, we sat
up in the harness and for the next 10
minutes had the most extraordinary
ride over Israel, checking out our
magnificent homeland from the sky
and giving Israel a huge virtual hug.
We need to take initiative, put forth
our best efforts, and do everything
we can to bring positive outcomes
in our lives. However, believing
that we can control and manipulate
every outcome and result places impossible stress and pressure that
preclude our ability to experience
happiness. There is nothing more
liberating, cathartic and joyful than
doing our best, and then letting go
of our need to control and allowing
G-d do the rest.
No matter how hard we try and what
kind of effort we produce, our lives
are going to inevitably and invariably throw curveballs our way. The
difference between panicking anxiously or enjoying the ride is our
ability to let go. Perhaps this is
what the pasuk means when it tells
us, “Ivdu es Hashem b’simcha,
serve Hashem with joy.” The greatest service of Hashem is feeling the
simcha that can only come by recognizing that He has our back so we
can enjoy the ride.
Stop pursuing happiness and start
experiencing it.