08 Dec DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
Dear Rabbi and Shira,
My daughter is a refined, intelligent Bais Yaakov girl who has been looking for her bashert for about a year now. She wants a boy who
will learn for a year or two and then will go to college and be part of the working world. We thought this was a great plan and even agreed that we would help support her for the first two years as she is still in college, as long as her future husband’s parents help as well. We were excited for her to get started, until we saw the reality on the ground. There our eyes were opened to a whole new world; a world of inequality. If a girl wants a guy who will go to college, she will be frowned upon even if it’s okay for her to go to college. And apparently if the daughter’s family won’t agree to be the sole supporter of the couple, the shadchan is not interested in hearing from you at all. Wanting a guy who will only learn for a year or two is the wrong answer , and she has been set up with boys not serious about learning at all. I am not sure what to do. I come from a family that values education. Why is going to college frowned upon for a guy but not a girl? I do not have the means to support my daughter and her future husband, and honestly I do not think it is fair. I believe it should be 50/50 between both parties. I also don’t understand how this is a solid 5 year plan. B’ezras Hashem there will be kids down the road, and it is not easy raising a family, caring for a husband and being the sole provider of the family. I’ve also seen a very interesting phenomenon with many of my daughter’s friends. Although they were supposed to be learning for five years, some are not learning anywhere, not attending minyan, and honestly not doing much of anything except living off their in-laws money. Others are at least entering the workforce a lot earlier than they planned to. Both situations can be disappointing and sometimes heartbreaking to the girls who actually did want someone who would be learning. Right now, I am at a standstill. My daughter isn’t getting any dates. The shachanim say if I want her to meet the right guy, I have to change my value system and be willing to support for a good five year . Am I supposed to just lie when I don’t believe in this system and do not have the financial means necessary to support them?
At the Bottom of the Barrel in Brooklyn.
Dear “Bottom of the Barrel”,
We are sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. Any time that people are involved in a system, no matter how idealistic it might seem, the reality is jarring. There are some people for whom the whole system works, and others for whom it does not. While there are those people who take learning after marriage seriously, there are those who do not. There are nice sincere young men who do seek Torah knowledge, and wish to pursue it before entering the working world.
Once, a mechanech, from a very yeshivishe upbringing commented that it’s funny, in their experience, most of the guys who married rich families, with thoughts of years of torah study after the wedding, pretty quickly entered the family business, and those of more modest means and aspirations actually became talmidei chachamim…
We would ask you to consider if you are speaking with the shadchanim who are the most appropriate for your family. If they are telling you that people are expecting you to bankroll their budding scholar’s life for five years, speak with somebody else. There are shadchanim who deal with different types of people, families and expectations. Seek a shadchan who has your expectations and is on your wavelength. Discuss your expectations with the shadchan up front. They are not gate keepers; they are providing a service. If you don’t want their service, take your business elsewhere.
Do your friends share your perspective? Do they have friends? Start speaking with them about your daughter. Professional Shadchanim are not the only ones who can make shidduchim. People who care about each other can, should and must make shidduchim.
No one should feel like a victim, not empowered to change their lives and their future. Ultimately, it’s in our hands. If we don’t like the conditions which these shadchanim, don’t use them, and don’t “settle” for demands that don’t make sense to you. Finally, daven for a proper shidduch for your daughter, as it is all in Hashem’s hands anyway.
Wishing you much hatzlacha and a Chasan who shares your daughter’s values.
Rabbi and Shira Boshanck