28 Dec DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

I am at my wits end! It use to be when people wanted to learn about my family to see if I was right for their son they would ask Shidduch questions like are they a stack, or scrape and stack family? What type of mayonnaise do they use? Do they use disposable plates or china on Shabbos? I thought that was crazy enough. Now the latest question is, is she vaccinated? Apparently, if the answer is yes, which in my case it is, the date is officially over before it has begun. This situation has repeated itself countless times and at this point there are not many people left for me to date. If I would have known this in advance, I honestly would not have taken the vaccine. Being a girl in the Shidduch system is hard enough!

Shot down in Flatbush

Dear Shot Down,

We’re sorry to hear about your frustrations. We wonder what people are thinking regarding these ridiculous questions.

If the answers to these questions are important to you, then tell your shadchan, you are only looking for Hellman’s eating, dish stacking, vaccinated people. If not, ask yourself, are these people who you’d honestly like to be married to? If not, change the pool of people from whom you are drawing. You do not need to subject yourself to these standards to find a match. There are other communities, other groups of people, who do not believe that one’s marital happiness will depend on the color of their tablecloths.

Additionally, tell your references to respond, “I don’t know” regarding your vaccination status. How would they know about it anyway? We think you could just as easily have them answer “I don’t know” to any of the ridiculous questions, and answer questions that are actually relevant. After reading a page bio, and cross examining friends, teachers and acquaintances, it’s a wonder that anyone would succeed on going on a date!

There is no “only one way” to find your match. The Gemara says that making matches is as difficult as crossing the Yam Suf. It also says that Hashem spends his time making matches. At times, it definitely feels difficult in one’s search for their spouse, but ultimately, Hashem is the one in charge.

By reorienting how we think about the process, we will change how we feel about it. Remember, our reach only will get us so far. Frantically rethinking our choices in the hope of going out, will not get us the satisfaction and life happiness we are looking for.

There is more than one way to cross the sea.

Rabbi and Shira Boshnack