26 Jan PARSHAS MISHPATIM

Ahavas Yisrael

Since ahavas Yisrael is from the principle themes of the Torah, we will take a few moments to discuss some stories of tzaddikim on this topic: Rebbe Dovid of Lelov zt’l was renowned for his ahavas Yisrael. He would say, “Every Yid is holy, and doesn’t have any bad at all. If we see some bad, it’s only because of the influence of the goyim. It isn’t his essence.” Once, Rebbe Dovid of Lelov zt’l traveled with his mechutan, the Yid HaKadosh of Peshischa zt’l. Rebbe Dovid went into a hotel for a short stop, while the Yid HaKadosh waited outside. It was a long time before Rebbe Dovid returned. “What was the reason for the delay?” the Yid HaKadosh asked. “I saw yiras shamayim in that home! I was so impressed, I just couldn’t leave!” “What did you see?” “There’s an elderly man working there, together with his son. The old man isn’t good at the job. The son got angry, ‘If I wasn’t afraid of G-d, I would kill you.’ I was so impressed by his yiras shamayim, I simply couldn’t leave.” This was the way of Rebbe Dovid of Lelov; he only saw the good in others; he did not see the bad. Rebbe Yechezkel of Kozmir zt’l taught: Let’s say that it’s erev Yom Kippur, and you’re running to shul with the ner neshamah. A poor, suffering Yid sees you and stops you. All he wants is some attention and to hear a kind word from you. Stop, and listen to him because helping and being kind to a fellow Yid is the greatest form of teshuvah. Even though your heart is full of fear of the Yom HaDin it shouldn’t prevent you from doing chessed with a Yid. Rebbe Yechezkel of Kozmir also said that if on Tisha BeAv, when you’re sitting on the ground and someone, who you know is bitter about life, wants to speak with you, you must listen to him. This is called ahavas chinam, unconditional love, which will re-build the Beis Hamikdash. Tragically, a young man was niftar and Reb Shlomo Zalman’s Aurbach’s son was invited to give a hesped. He wrote up what he was planning to say and showed it to his father. Reb Shlomo Zalman quipped, “It’s good, but you won’t stop the malach hamaves, the angel of death, with this. To stop the malach hamaves we need improvement in bein adam lechaveiro.” The Yerushalmi (Dmai 1:3) tells that Reb Pinchas Ben Yair was going to the beis medresh to study Torah. He had to cross the river Gina’i, but the river was very high. Reb Pinchas Ben Yair said, “Gina’i! Why are you preventing me from going to the beis medresh?” and the river split for him. His students asked, “Can we also come?” Reb Pinchas Ben Yair replied, “If you know that you never harmed or was disrespectful to another Yid, you may cross the riverbed and will not be harmed.” We learn from this that someone who doesn’t harm another Yid is worthy that the sea should split for him.

Rebuke

There are times when a parent or teacher needs to give rebuke. The stronger force should be compliments and encouragement (see Sanhedrin 107), but there are times when one must set boundaries, teach lessons, and deliver rebuke. One has to deliver rebuke with wisdom so his words will be accepted. A rebuke given in poor taste will often cause more harm than good, resulting with the child continuing in the wrong behavior pattern, rather than improving. Reb Gad’l Eisner zt’l, mashgiach of Yeshivas Chidushei HaRim, was the quintessential mechanach that knew how to give rebuke that would help, and not harm. The following story is an example:

In the yeshiva’s beis medresh, during seder (learning time) there were two bachurim sitting with their open Gemaras, but instead of learning Torah, they were talking about other things. Reb Gad’l Eisner came towards them. One of the bachurim noticed Reb Gad’l coming over, so he quickly stood up and asked Reb Gad’l to explain a Tosfos. He wanted to give Reb Gad’l the impression that they were talking about the Tosfos all along – and not idle talk. Reb Gad’l explained the Tosfos and left. The boys smiled with satisfaction. They thought they had fooled him. A few days later, Reb Gad’l delivered a speech to the bachurim. He gave them a mashal: There was once a thief who would climb down the chimney of people’s homes, in the middle of the night. One Thursday night, this thief climbed down the chimney of the town’s rav. The thief didn’t know that on Thursday night the rav was awake all night learning Torah. The rebbetzin was also awake cooking for Shabbos. When the thief came down the chimney, straight into the kitchen, the rebbetzin was frightened. The thief quickly grasped the situation and realized he made a big mistake. He said, “I have a question for the rabbi. Where is the rabbi?” She showed him to the next room, and warned her husband to be cautious. “I have a question,” the thief said. “My question is: Oy! How do I get out of here!?” All the bachurim laughed heartily, but they didn’t know to whom the story was intended. Those two bachurim understood. Reb Gad’l showed them that he knew they were just speaking and they hadn’t fooled him. In this manner, he was able to rebuke them without offending them. In many instances it is wise to give rebuke a few days later and not right when you catch someone doing something. And when you do give the rebuke, do it with caution, with wisely chosen words, that maintains the student/child’s honor. The Nesivos Shalom once saw a bachur eating a pita with falafel in a gluttonous manner. The Nesivos Shalom commented, “The way you’re eating reminds me of how the Beis Avraham zt’l ate matzah at the Seder.” This too, is an example of wise rebuke. The point was clear, without directly accosting the bachur. This approach is more effective than shouting at the student and telling him how ugly he’s eating. My father, the Lelover Rebbe zt’l, was once in Los Angelos, staying in the home of Reb Elazer Adler z’l. Reb Adler’s wife a’h was the grandaughter of Rebbe Shlomke of Zvhil zt’l. One day, she asked my father, “What would you do if your daughter asks you for money to go to the theater?” My father was shocked by this question. She explained, “When I was a young, approximately in1940, my friends encouraged me to go with them to the theater. (This wasn’t uncommon in those days, unfortunately.) I asked my grandfather, Rebbe Shlomke, for money so I could pay the entrance fee. My grandfather gave me the money. I excitedly began to rush out to meet my friends. My grandfather called me back and said, ‘I gave you the money, but I want you to know that if you go there, my heart will be bleeding for you…’” She immediately gave back the money and promised that she wouldn’t go to the theater. She said to my father that the temptation was very great – all her friends went to theaters and to other places that aren’t appropriate for Jewish children. But when she saw how much her grandfather loves her and cares for her, she couldn’t permit herself to cause her grandfather distress. She returned the money and promised that she would never go. Each child is different and every situation is different. There is a language that works for each child. We need to find the key that opens the child’s heart. Consider the following situation: Someone has a hundred keys, and he hopes that he can open a locked door with one of them. He tries key after key, and the door doesn’t open. He tries ninety-nine keys, and the door still doesn’t open. At this point, he loses patience. He takes an ax and breaks down the door. He acted foolishly, because the hundredth key would have opened the door. He gave up one key too early. Parents and educators try one approach with their children, but the door remains closed. So they try another approach; it also doesn’t work. But they shouldn’t give up. If they keep trying, they will find the way yet, to the child’s heart. “Educate the lad in accordance to his way” (Mishlei 22:6). Find his way, and you will open his heart to Torah and avodas Hashem.