02 Aug BE A “DETECTIVE”

The Gemara in Masechet

Kiddushin (32ha-b) brings Rav

Yosef’s ruling that a Rabbi is

allowed to forego on the honor

owed to him by virtue of his Torah

scholarship. Rav Yosef reached

this conclusion on the basis of the

fact that Hashem Himself waived

His honor when He led and guided

the Jewish People when they left Egypt. If G-d Himself

could forego on His honor, Rav Yosef reasoned, then

certainly a Rabbi can waive the honor owed to Him.

Rava challenged this line of reasoning. He said that G-d

owns everything, and so He has the authority to forego

on His honor. But a Rabbi represents the Torah – and the

Torah is not his that he can waive the honor owed to the

Torah. We are required to show honor to Rabbis because

they represent the Torah – and no Rabbi has the authority

to forego on the honor that we must give to the Torah.

But then Rava changed his mind, and conceded to Rav

Indeed, the“†–†אי≠ן¨†תו≠רה†די≠לי≠ה†∫Yosef’s ruling. He said

Torah is his.” When a person learns and becomes a

scholar, he “acquires” the Torah. It becomes his. Rav

proves this from the second pasuk in Tehillim which says

he –†בת≠ור≠תו†יה≠גה†יו≠מם†ול≠יל≠ה†¨about a Torah scholar

delves into “his Torah” day and night. A scholar is

considered to “own” the Torah he learned. And so a

Rabbi does, in fact, have the right to waive the honor

owed to him

This is a critically important statement, one which

encapsulates one of the main objectives of the holiday of

Shavuot. It is about making a commitment to “own” the

Torah, to build a very personal connection with the

Torah. Accepting the Torah means that we do not

merely flow with the tide, doing what everybody else

does. It means that we make the decision to take the

Torah and make it part of our essence, part of our very

being.

Our community has so much to be proud of in regard to

religious observance. I feel, however, that many of us

suffer from what we might call “the everyone disease.”

We are too affected by what everyone else is doing. We

are too conscious of how people are living their lives,

and this can sometimes pull us to act in a way which isn’t

right for us, and pull us away from acting the way which

is right for us.

We all know that the Bet Ha’mikdash was destroyed

because of שנאת†חינם†– “baseless hatred.” This is like the

ABCs of Tishah B’Av observance, and the primary

theme that we hear over and over again, each and every

year, during this season. But there’s one problem. The

Gemara gives a different reason for why the Bet

Ha’mikdash is destroyed. While it is true that in one

place the Gemara mentions שנאת†חינם†, in a different place

(Masechet Bava Metzia), the Gemara says that the

Temple was destroyed – דין†תורה†ולא†עבדו†לפנים†משורת†הדין

– which means that the people of that time insisted on

following the strict law, without extending beyond the

letter of the law. Really?! What happened to ?שנאת†חינם

Isn’t that what everyone talks about when we reflect on

the destruction? And why is it so bad to stick to the law

and not go beyond the law? The answer lies in the most

important rule we need to know each and every time we

find ourselves in a conversation with somebody –

anybody – and there’s some tension, some disagreement,

some†argument¨†or†some†uneasinessƆThat†rule†is∫†When

people speak with passion and emotion, they do not

mean exactly what they say. They mean something else.

All people carry with them some degree of pain, caused

by the challenges and hardships they’ve had or are

dealing with. And, all people are a little insecure, and

worried about being significant. Of course, people do

not come right out and say it. But they’re all feeling this,

to one extent or another. When a sister is giving another

sister a hard time about where the holiday meal should

be, insisting that she should host it, she is expressing

insecurity. If a partner is sitting in the boardroom

arguing against an idea for a new product line proposed

by a different partner, he is expressing insecurity. If a

friend becomes overly sensitive and upset over an

innocent comment, this is emotional fragility caused by

the pain the friend is feeling. This is לפנים†משורת†הדין†. We

are expected to be detectives, to UNDERSTAND

people, rather than JUDGE people. And this is the key to

overcoming שנאת†חינם†– destructive fighting and arguing

that plagues so many families, so many businesses, and

so many communities. We need to be detectives,

understanding what’s behind other people’s vices. We

need to stop rushing to judge and responding in kind, and

start trying to empathize with people’s struggles lying

beneath the surface. The Talmud tells a story that is both

humorous and sad, about a husband and wife who spoke

two different dialects. The husband told his wife to buy

two בוציני†, which meant “melons” in his dialect, but

meant “candlesticks” in her dialect. When the wife came

home with two candlesticks, the husband was angry, and

told her to bang the candlesticks on the בבא†– which

means “door” in Aramaic. The only בבא†the wife knew

was the great Rabbi, Rabbi Baba ( בבא†) ben Buta. And so

she went to the Rabbi, who was delivering a class, and

started hitting him with the candlesticks. He asked the

woman what she was doing, and she explained that her

husband was angry that she bought the wrong item, and

told her to bang them on בבא†. The Rabbi gave her a

warm blessing that she and her husband should have

two outstanding sons. If the Rabbi had followed the

strict letter of the law, he would have repudiated the

woman for being so foolish, and for thinking that she

should barge in and start hitting him with candlesticks.

But he extended לפנים†משורת†הדין†, understanding that

this woman was fragile, struggling with difficult issues

in her marriage. And so he responded kindly, warmly

and sensitively. This is the key to overcoming שנאת

חינם†– doing our detective work, recognizing the pain,

struggles and insecurities beneath the surface, and

responding not to what the other person says, but rather

to what the other person means.