22 Aug KI TEITZEI: CAN YOU FORGIVE YOUR CHILD? HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH CHILDREN WHO PUT YOU THROUGH THE WRINGER?

Why Death?
The law in this
week’s parsha
concerning a
wayward son seems
absurd and horrific.
“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son
who does not obey the voice of his father
and the voice of his mother, and does not
listen to them when they discipline him;
then his father and mother shall take hold of
him and bring him to the elders at the gate
of his town. They shall say to the elders,
‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious.
He does not obey our voice. He is a
profligate and a drunkard.’
“Then all the men of his town shall stone
him to death. You must purge the evil from
among you. All Israel will hear of it and be
afraid.”
How are we to understand this Torah
passage? First, are we to believe that parents
would actually take up the Torah’s advice
and have their son killed if he acts like a
monster in his teens!

Can you imagine a Jewish mother sending
her son to the High Court to be punished:
“Here, Ben, I want you should take along
these cookies I baked for you; and don’t
forget to wear your cardigan; it gets cold in
the death chamber.”
Besides, a death sentence for what? For
eating meat and drinking wine? For stealing
food? Isn’t this punishment excessive? He
is only a 13-year-old kid? And did his
offenses really merit capital punishment?
The Mishnah and Talmud, quoted in Rashi
on our parsha, gives this answer:
He is not being punished for
his current sins. Rather, given his
outrageous current behavior, the Torah
testifies that it is inevitable that he will grow
up to be a robber and murderer. So better to
kill him now, before he murders other
people and before he destroys his own soul.
The patterns of his behavior demonstrate
that he is doomed to a life of inevitable evil.
Let him die an innocent man.
Yet this seems absurd. All of Judaism is
based on the idea that even a sinner can

repent. Certainly, a 13-year-old boy who is
at this point not killing yet, certainly he may
change his ways. How can we be certain
that he will become a murderer?
An axiom in Judaism is, “Nothing stands
in the way of Teshuvah.” The most evil
Jewish king, Menashe, was accepted as a
baal-teshuva. And here we say that a
13-year-old troubled boy is destined to
grow into a monster? Why?
True, as the Talmud says,[3] this story
never happened nor will it happen. This
Torah law is theory, not practical. But how
are we to understand the law in theory?
What is a lesson the Torah is trying to
impart in this law?
Forgiveness
There is a beautiful answer given by the
Shem Mishmuel, authored by Rabbi Shmuel
Bornstein (1856-1926), the Rebbe of
Sochotshov, Poland. (He was the son of the
Avnei Nezer, Rabbi Avraham Borenstein,
and grandson of the Kotzker Rebbe).
He raises one more question. The Talmud
says, that at any point, a wayward son
whose parents forgive him is forgiven
and not punished.
But wait. We don’t kill the boy because
of what he did to his parents. We kill
him, as the Talmud explains because the
Torah testifies that he is destined to
become a killer. So what does it help
that his parents forgive him?
The Holy Chain
The answer contains one of the most
critical lessons for our day and age in
terms of how parents and educators deal
with children who are difficult,
challenging, and often take us through
the wringer.
Every child, even the greatest menace,
is inherently holy and good, Divine and
sacred. For each of them carries the
genes of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—
each of them has a Jewish soul, which is
eternally connected to the Divine.
To reveal that connection, a father and
a mother must keep the bond with their
children strong. When we sever our
relationship with our children, even if
we have good reason to do so, we
deprive them of the ability to experience
themselves as part of the golden,
unbreakable chain from Avraham to this
very day.
Says the Shem Mishmuel: When the

son feels the love inherent in his parents’
willingness to forgive him, despite all of his
misdeeds, this keeps him connected to his
roots. And since his roots are so deep and
sacred, there is now strong hope that he will
find the ability to transform himself.
If the parents do not forgive their child,
they do not allow him to forgive himself
and start his life anew. They ensure that he
continues in his destructive path.
Conversely, the moment they forgive him
internally, the moment they can accept their
child and love him despite his terrible and
heartbreaking failures, they now allow him
to discover his own spiritual power, which
is deeper than all of his failings and trauma.
Never Disconnect
This is the great message the Torah is
teaching us. Never ever disconnect from
your child, even if it is not easy. Sometimes
we are compelled to break the connection,
to sever the bond, to alienate him or her. It is
simply too painful to be in a relationship.
But the Torah is telling us, this is the
primary reason he will never be able to
come back. You need to learn to forgive
your children, to see the infinite light hidden
in them, that light you saw in the child when
he emerged from your womb as innocent
and angelic as ever. Yes, there have been
disappointments, perhaps betrayal, shame,
and serious misdeeds. Your child is broken.
So what does he (or she) need to find the
stamina to repair himself? He needs to be
able to believe in his soul, in his future, in
his goodness.
How can we help him achieve that? If we
can love him, if we can forgive him, if we
can show him that he is not a worthless,
helpless case, but a particle of the Divine, a
ray of infinity, a fragment of G-d in this
world.
Keeping him connected to the chain, will
allow him to see himself, ultimately, in the
context of a 4,000-year chain, of which he is
the next rung.