05 Sep DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I’m engaged, and I’m not sure what to do. You see, my chasan, who is a lovely guy, who is very sincere, and I had a conversation
about our parnassah. We agreed that although he was learning full time, when we met, once we were engaged he was going to get
a job. We’ve been engaged for a month already, and he said to me yesterday, that it is too much of a hastle to get a job before the
wedding, since he’s only going to have to take off for Sheva Brachos anyway. He also said we shouldn’t worry, because our parents
can support us anyway. I believe that if you’re old enough to get married, then you should be old enough to support yourself, and
I thought we were on the same page. Additionally when you accept someone’s money, it always comes with some strings attached.
I don’t think I can go to work full time, while he is not, without a great degree of resentment. What should I do?
-Inadvertent Kollel not-yet-wife

Dear Inadvertent Kollel not-yet-wife,
What a difficult situation. It’s the beginning of
your relationship, and you feel confused, that “you
didn”t sign up for this.”
We think you should have a discussion with your
Chassan. Tempers and frustrations might run high
while you try to discuss this new development.
Disagreements and misunderstandings are normal
and natural. You are two people with different
ways of seeing and dealing with things, and as a
result you will not agree. How the both of you
will navigate this situation will help you transform
this from a fight to a better understanding of each

other. It is very important to make sure that the
two of you don’t blame, criticize, get defensive or
feel cornered. So remember 1) take turns and let
each side finish their points before responding. 2 )
Make sure you paraphrase each others to illustrate
that you understand their position.
The conversation, if conducted in a respectful and
constructive way will help you discuss 1) How the
two of you make decisions, 2) What money, means
to you and him, 3) The meaning of responsibility
in a family.
There might be some other issues which this
conversation will touch on as well. Are you

concerned that you might have different priorities
in your religious lives? Is it possible that he’s finding
it hard to find a job and this is an easy way to avoid
something unpleasant? Does he need direction in
figuring out what he wants to do?
We hope that this discuss leads you to a
conversation that your relationship can grow from.

Hatzlacha Raba,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack