14 Nov TOLDOT: SAYING “NO”

In the beginning of
Parashat Toldot, the
Torah tells us that
Yitzhak married Rivka,
“the daughter of
Betuel…from Padan

Aram, the brother of Lavan.”
Rashi points out that we already know
all this information. In the previous
parashah, Parashat Hayeh-Sara, we read
the entire story of how Rivka was chosen
to be Yitzhak’s wife, and this story
included Rivka’s background – her
family, her hometown, and so
on. Seemingly, there is no reason for the
Torah to repeat all this information now.
Rashi explains that the Torah told us
about Rivka’s background again in order
to praise her, to draw our attention to her
greatness. She was the daughter of a
wicked person and the brother of a
wicked person, and she was raised among
wicked people in Padam Aram. And,
despite all this, she emerged as a righteous
woman. This was Rivka’s greatness.
It is very significant that this is how the
Torah compliments and praises Rivka –

by telling us what she needed to reject,
what she needed to oppose. The greatest
praise for Rivka is not her hesed, how
generous and giving she was, but rather
the fact that she turned her back on the
beliefs and behaviors of her family and
her hometown.
The primary way in which we mold
ourselves into the people we want to
become is by saying “no.” Setting limits,
not allowing things into our lives, not
allowing ourselves to do or say certain
things, does more to define who we are
than the things that we do.
We become charitable not when we
have money to spare and we donate it,
but when we have to sacrifice something
in order to donate charity. We become
devoted parents not when we spend our
free time with our children, but when we
say “no” to things that we want to do for
their sake. We become devoted students
of Torah not when we open a book during
our free time, but when we say “no” to
things that we want to do for the sake of
learning Torah. We become true ba’aleh
hesed not by showing up to a bake sale,

but by saying “no” to
things we want to do for
the sake of helping other
people.
This is true of our families
and homes, as well. We
define our home not by
having Torah books on the
bookshelf, and not even by
keeping Shabbat – but by
saying “no,” by putting
limits. We define our home
as a Torah home by insisting that there
are things that we do not bring into the
home; there are words that we do not
speak; there are foods that we do not eat;
there are kinds of clothing that we do not
wear; and there are things that we do not
do.
Somebody I know very well was once
given the opportunity to earn a
considerably higher among of money, but
this would involve going against his
principles. He turned down the offer.
He later told me, “You have no idea
what a powerful experience this was – to
say ‘no’ to money because of my

principles. I took a stand, and by doing
so, I know exactly who I am. By
establishing that I cannot be asked to do
anything, that I have limits, I made a
powerful statement about who I am. And
this is far more valuable than some extra
money in my bank account.”
Rivka was a wonderful ba’alat hesed –
but her real strength lay in her ability to
say “no,” to say that she was not going to
follow the example of the people she
grew up with. Saying “no” can be very
difficult, but this is what we need to do in
order to mold ourselves into the great
people that we have been brought into the
world to become.