28 Nov DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I’m not sure what to do. My chasan who is generally responsive and attentive has become very distracted now that
football season has started. He spends hours watching games and is not conversational during them. He doesn’t want to
go out when there is a game, and it seems there is always a game, and when there is no game on, he and his friends are
talking about their fantasy league. What should I do?
-Relationship Fumbled in Flatbush

Dear Fumbled,
We’re sorry about this challenge that you’re
experiencing in your relationship and that it does seem
like he’s dropping the ball.
Everybody has different relationships which they
navigate in their lives; there are different roles that
people play, and they have limited resources including
time, energy and attention which they devote to these
roles. These roles include their family relationships,
like being a son, brother, grandson, and chasan.
They also include their profession, their hobbies and
interests. Your chasan has just run into a clash between
the time he can spend as “a hobbyist” aka football
aficionado and as a chasan. He might not recognize
what is happening, as in his family the culture always

was that “game time” was sacrosanct, as an unwritten
rule in their household. Therefore, he might not even
understand your concern.
So how can you “make a recovery”?
First make a time to talk. This is not an easy feat
with the constant football games; but set it up a head
of time, not during a game. Second, relate that you
understand his perspective as a hobbyist- this is an
outlet for him, he probably has many fond memories
watching football with friends and family. Don’t
put it down or make fun of it- that’s going to invite
conflict. Third, take a position of working together to
understand the new challenges of time management,
with his new role as a chasan. Discuss your concerns

and needs in terms of attention and time. Understand
that the both of you are going to try to find some
middle ground in how you can use your shared
time together. Don’t be afraid to have a difference
of opinion and feeling. The two of you come from
different families, will continue to discover that you
have different interests and will need to work out other
issues in future.
Hatzlacha,
Rooting for this next touch down for your shared
team!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack