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    05 Dec DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 19:12h in by
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    I’m engaged to wonderful woman, who shares the same values as I do, is caring, kind, and sensitive. We had a great
    vort, but as we begin talking about the wedding and our future life together, an area of concern emerged. Her family is
    from Iran, and mine is from Hungary. There is such a difference of culture and customs, and neither side wants to budge.
    Khorash or Shliskes? Bedekin? Talit at the Chupah? Gebrukts or Kitniot?
    Sincerely,
    -Mixed Minhagim

    Dear Mixed Minhagim,
    Navigating differences and learning how to
    compromise are important portions of a married
    couples lives. Even if your families attended the
    same schools, daven in the same shuls, went to
    the same camps, differences are inevitable. As
    each family has their own way of doing things,
    experiences, histories and personal choices all
    merge to form the culture of the family. Couples
    often clash when they believe the way that they
    experienced things in their family is the “only right
    way.” This tension is multiplied when the couple
    is a merger between to entirely different cultures,

    that on the outside seem extremely different.
    The most beneficial, healthy thing that you can
    bring to your relationship is a collaborative “can do”
    attitude. It is essential that the both of you realize
    that you are treading in new territory, and you will
    be building a life together of things that are familiar
    and things that are new. When there is a difference
    of opinion, 1) Express what expectations you have,
    and what they mean to you. 2) Take turns and hear
    each other out. 3) Paraphrase what was said to
    check for understanding. 4) Find a middle ground
    that the both of you can be comfortable. 5) Don’t
    keep score, there will not be a direct one to one

    correspondence between the compromises in your
    favor, versus her favor, but over the course of your
    lives together, Im yirtzeh Hashem, you’ll make it
    up to each other.
    When working through the different customs,
    there can be different halachic implications so
    please consult a Rav who understands the situation
    and the customs to sidestep any problems.
    Mazal Tov!
    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack