19 Dec VAYIGASH: PATH TO AHAVAS CHINAM

One can do several
things to banish
sinas chinam and
attain ahavas
chinam. There are
tactics for
increasing shalom
among people.
One approach is to
judge your fellow
man favorably and to give them the
benefit of the doubt. Very often, when
there is a dispute between people, the
parties involved misunderstand each
other, causing them to pass judgment
wrongly.
Yosef’s brothers judged Yosef wrongly.
They thought Yosef was a rodef,
someone who wanted to harm them.
This is why they made a machlokes
against Yosef. But it wasn’t his intention
at all. Yosef told them (45:3) “I am
Yosef. Is my father still alive?’ But his

brothers could not answer him because
they were startled by his presence.”
The Maharal translates the words
“because they were startled by his
presence,” literally: “They were
frightened by Yosef’s face.”
They saw a new face, a new Yosef. For
the first time, they saw him as he truly
was – a brother who loves them and
doesn’t want to harm them. They realized
that they had judged him wrongly all
along. They thought Yosef was against
them, but Yosef’s loyalty to his family
was always firmly in place.
This error reoccurs to this day. When
there is a dispute, it is often because
there is a misunderstanding. When the
facts become known, you realize that all
your reasons for the conflict were
misplaced.
Another method to stop machlokes is to
stop thinking about it.
Have you ever wondered why it is
called sinas chinam, vain hatred? Isn’t

there always a reason for the hatred? Is
hatred ever for no reason?
The answer is that keeping the
machlokes and hatred alive is
pointless, even if there was a reason
that initially caused the machlokes.
An example is a piece of paper that
caught fire. If you leave it alone, the
fire will extinguish in less than a
minute. But if you add fuel, it can burn
for a very long time. The nimshal is that
if you don’t stoke the fire of machlokes,
it will go away quickly. But if you delve
into it, you keep the machlokes and
hatred alive. This is a fight for no reason,
so it is correct to call it sinas chinam.
Sometimes, a machlokes goes on for
years, and the people involved have
already forgotten how the machlokes
began. So, the solution is to stop thinking
about the argument as quickly as
possible. And if you stop stoking the
fires of the machlokes, the other person
will drop his end of the rope, too, because
he can’t fight on his own.
Someone came to court with a
complaint against the moon. He said,
“Wherever I go, the moon follows
me. When I go right, the moon goes
right. So, I turn left, but the moon
goes there, too. When I stand still, the
moon stops as well. In short, the
moon doesn’t leave me alone.
The judge replied, “I understand
your complaint, but I can’t rule on
the case without hearing what the
other party says. Therefore, please
return in a couple of days.”
A couple of days later, the judge told
him, “I said to the moon, ‘Why do
you bother this man and follow him
wherever he goes?’ The moon replied
that it was your fault because you
were always looking at it. If you stop
looking at the moon, the moon
promises to stop following you.”
Similarly, in regards to machlokes,
if just one of them stops the
machlokes, the machlokes ends.
Rebbe Hershel of Ziditchov zt’l
compared it to two people pulling at
two ends of a rope. If one person lets
go, the battle is over (and the other

person will fall). Similarly, when one
party backs off, the fight is over
immediately.
Another method to end machlokes and
sinas chinam is to put into your heart
love for your fellow man. Reb Chaim
Volozhiner zt’l (Keser Rosh 119) says
that if you love your fellow man, he
won’t be able to hate you. It is impossible
to hate someone who loves you.
His son, Reb Yitzchak of Volozhin zt’l,
adds that Rivkah told Yaakov to remain
in Charan (Bereishis 27:45) “Until your
brother’s rage subsides from you.”
The simple meaning of the pasuk is that
he should remain in Charan until Eisav
calms down. But it can also be explained
that Rivkah told Yaakov to stay in Charan
until Yaakov no longer feels anger
towards Eisav. This will be a sign that
Eisav doesn’t hate Yaakov, either.
A cruel man wanted to harm a certain
rav because the rav had dared summon
him to a din Torah. Once, the rav was
traveling with his students, early in the
morning, to attend a bris. From a
distance, the students saw the cruel man
galloping toward them. The students
were terrified because they knew that the
wicked man wanted revenge on the rav.
Surprisingly, when the two carriages
met, the cruel man spoke friendly with
the rav, and they departed in peace, each
to their way.
The students asked the rav how this
happened. The rav explained that he put
in his heart to love this cruel man. “I
thought it was a pity on him because he
was never taught how to behave properly
and doesn’t know any better. And when I
was able to love him, I knew that we
were safe because then he would love
me as well.” (Told by Reb Yosef Chaim
Zonnenfeld zt’l.)