19 Dec DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Thank you for your weekly column in the Jewish Vues, I enjoy reading it with my family. I’d like your help on a problem
that I’m having. My daughter is “in shidduchim,” and I am upset with how the shadchanim operate. My daughter complains
that she often feels coerced to go out on dates with guys after she feels that they are not shayach. She is scared that if she
doesn’t go out again, she will be blacklisted and the shadchan will no longer set her up.
-A Mom in Waiting

Dear Mom in Waiting,
We’re sorry to hear about your daughter’s challenges in
the shidduch world. First and foremost, listen carefully to
your daughter. Make sure to hear her needs and concerns,
validate her feelings. Shidduchim can be very stressful and
it’s important she knows that she can always talk openly
to you.
Let’s try to get into the mind of a shadchan for a moment.
Shadchanim are often volunteers, working long hours
for little to no pay in the hopes that the match will be
successful. The money people give for “shadchanus” does
not always account for the advice, time spent considering
matches, and being the “go between” for a couple.
Now, a shadchan might be assertive if she thinks that your
daughter is misrepresenting herself or misunderstands
the guy. A shadchan might come off as pushy because
she wants to make sure that your daughter is giving the

shidduch a fair chance since she has seen other people
make mistakes.
However, this does not mean that a shadchan is always
right. Sometimes shadchanim overstep their boundaries
and try to force or push something that is not a good
match. It’s important for the person that is being set up to
take charge of the situation and not go out with someone
that for certain is not meant for them. Your daughter
should be honest and direct with the shadchan. She should
explain clearly why the guy is not for her. Remember, a
shadchan only knows what a person told them about
themselves. Shadchanim may work with many people,
but they cannot read minds. As the mother, you need to
empower her to feel comfortable with expressing her needs
to the shadchan and stand up for herself. If your daughter
does not speak up, her experiences will certainly lead to
feelings of burnout.

If the Shadchan is not receptive to your daughter’s needs,
or belittles her opinion, strong-arms her and threatens to
retaliate by not setting her up again, tell the shadchan that
you will no longer be using her services. No one has a right
to make your daughter feel bad about rejecting someone,
and they certainly don’t have a right to force your daughter
into going out with someone they don’t want to go out
with.
While we understand your concerns of your daughter
being blacklisted by a shadchan, try to remember that
Hashem is the ultimate shadchan and gatekeeper. He
will find another entrance for your daughter to meet her
bashert. May your daughter find the right one really soon!
Hatzlacha!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack