26 Dec DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
Someone suggested to me that I should write to the two of you. Although, I’m not sure what my questions are.
I started seeing a girl only two weeks ago…but it’s been a whirlwind of two weeks. We’ve compared it to a train with no breaks.
We’ve talked almost daily, met up for 3-4 times in person (for anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours), and have had phone/zoom
conversations on the same day for 2-4 hour. I have no idea what I should be doing, or what the next steps. This is all happening so
fast. I’m not sure what happens next.-No Breaks in Brooklyn
Dear No Breaks,
Hi. It sounds like you’ve met someone very exciting!
You are connecting well with her, and you are enjoying
your time together. We believe the next steps will be to
discuss expectations, work on pacing the relationship
and asking the right questions to continue growing
your relationship.
Everybody has expectations. We use them in order to
make sense of a world full of constant new experiences.
You expressed some confusion as to what should come
next. In some communities, there are guidelines as to
how many dates one goes on until they are engaged.
We’d recommend having a conversation with her,
discussing if she has any thoughts or expectations with
regard to how long this journey should take.
Examine your own thoughts and expectations as
well. Do you think 3 months is enough time to meet
and understand the person you are marrying? Maybe 6
months? Or do you require more time? Are you seeking
to find out if there is potential compatibility? Or are
you trying to begin building a relationship, and then
evaluating compatibility based on that? Then compare
notes, and understand what each of you expect. If there
is a difference in these expectations, try to find a way to
meet in the middle.
Pacing your dates and communication is very
important. On one hand, it’s very exciting to see and
talk with someone new, especially when there is mutual
interest on both sides.However, you also need time to
process and evaluate your experiences. What do you
like about her? What do you like talking to her about?
Do you share the same religious and moral values? Do
you guys laugh together? What excites you about her?
What worries you? Are there any red flags? If you can
only see positives, get to know her better. Everybody
has flaws. Noone is perfect.
If you read our column weekly, you know we are
big fans of open ended questions as they deepen a
relationship, by encouraging broad and thinking,
answers. We encourage you to use open ended questions.
Instead of “did you like the book?” ask “what about the
book did you like, and why?” Instead of “where is do
you for yom tov,” try “where is your favorite place to go
for yom tov, and why?”
Furthermore, The Gottman institute has a great tool
for deepening relationships and conversations called the
52 questions you must answer before getting married.
It is a deck of cards which has questions relating to
four different topics , Romance, Social Life, Work and
Money. They include questions like Are you a planner
or more spontaneous? How do you feel when you have
to go against your preferred ‘style’? When the workload
at home gets lopsided, how will you address ‘who does
what?’ These questions help deepen the relationship as
well.
Good Luck, Please keep in touch, We’d love to see
how the relationship develops,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack