02 Jan DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been married for a year and a half. When we dated, I felt like we had better communication, but now, my wife won’t
compromise at all with me. Every time there is a fight about a decision to be made, she approaches the fight as it’s either “my way or the highway.”
She doesn’t relent, and will keep badgering me or give me the silent treatment. I start to just give up when there is a conflict, because I feel that
it’s not with my sanity. I feel I’m being stifled.
-Closed Mouth in Midwood.

Dear Mouth Closed in midwood.
We are sorry to hear that you are having such a hard
time.
It is surprising to hear, but learning how to disagree is
one of the most important skills in marriage. We assume
that “Shalom Bayis” means that everyone always agrees.
However, the truth is that you are two people, with two
different ways of view things.
First express to her that you’d like to hear her opinion,
and you’d appreciate the courtesy of being heard as well.
Explain that you’d like to use the following rules. Each
person must listen to the other side’s opinion. You need
to take turns explaining your point of view. The other
person must listen respectfully, paraphrasing each point
and asking questions only for clarification. Discuss with
her why the issue is so important to her, and what is
important to you.
It’s ok for you to say, give me space. Explain to her
how this way of communicating is making you feel
overwhelmed, and uncomfortable. Express to her that

this is not a way of fighting fair.
Compromising is not a skill everyone has learned.
However, it is vital, as most couples end up fighting
about the same things throughout their lives, and they
must learn how navigate them together. The first step is
to ask yourself, what areas are you flexible about? What
areas aren’t you flexible about? Each person has a list
of behaviors, principles and standards, with varying
amounts of priority. Some things a person can negotiate
about. Some they cannot.
John Gottman advises to make a big oval, with a
smaller oval inside, He calls it a compromise bagel.
Fill in the smaller oval with the needs you cannot live
without. These are your inflexible areas. Try to keep this
short by including only the needs that are essential to
your happiness and, thus, your relationship’s success.
Next, in the bigger oval, list aspects of your position
that are negotiable. These are your flexible areas. This
doesn’t mean compromising on the need itself. It means
being open to shifting some of the specifics about the

need, such as timing, location, or methods to achieve
your goal. Oftentimes (Gottman’s research showed 2⁄3
times) you’ll find that you are arguing about the same
problems. It does not preclude a happy relationship. It’s
how you manage your differences which makes all the
difference.
Try to schedule a time to sit down with your wife and
speak about what you are flexible about and what you
aren’t. Discuss what are your needs, what you each can
and cannot be flexible with. Problem-solve together, to
find where compromise is possible. Experiment with
different solutions, and understand that it is a work
in progress and each attempt will bring the two of you
closer to a greater understanding of each other and how
you feel about the subject at hand.
If you find that you need more help, we recommend
seeing a professional. We wish you luck learning to
communicate and compromising together,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack