06 Feb PARASHAT MISHPATIM: THE WAY TO HELP

The Rambam, in one
place in his writings,
discusses the proper
attitude we are supposed to
have to things which the
Torah forbids us to do.
When a person sees a cheeseburger, for
example, he should not say, “Ugh! That’s
revolting! Why would I ever want to eat such
a thing?!” Instead, the Rambam writes, a
person should say, “Wow, that looks very
tempting. I wish I could eat that. But I’m not
going to, because Hashem said it’s forbidden.”
I believe that the Rambam here is teaching us
something very important about emotions.
He’s telling us that we should never feel
ashamed of our feelings. We should never try
not to feel. There is nothing wrong with
desiring something forbidden. There is
nothing wrong with feeling nervous, with
feeling angry, with feeling frustrated, with
feeling upset, with feeling confused, or with
feeling depressed. All these emotions are
perfectly normal. They’re part of being
human. We should never feel guilty for
experiencing these emotions. The Torah tells
us how to act, how to live our lives. Feelings
are perfectly legitimate. People sometimes

make the mistake of trying to tell others what
to feel. When they know that somebody is
going through tough time, in a sincere but
misguided effort to
help, they try to convince the person not to
be so upset, not to worry, not to be so anxious,
not to be angry, not to have whatever hard
feeling they’re experiencing at that point.
They might talk to them about emunah, about
trusting in Hashem, about how everything is
really good, about how Hashem will make
sure everything turns out fine. This is not
necessarily helping. If we want to help
somebody who is going through a difficult
crisis, the most important thing we can do is
let them feel whatever it is that they feel. To
avoid judging their emotions, and to avoid
telling them what their emotions should be. In
Parashat Mishpatim, the Torah discusses the
situation of
a poor person who needed to borrow money,
and he gave his garment to the lender as
collateral. The Torah commands the lender to
return the garment each night, because the
pauper needs it to keep him warm at night. If
the lender does not return the garment at
night, Hashem warns, then when the borrower

cries out, “I will listen,
because I am merciful.”
Hashem will hear the
poor man’s cry, and
punish the lender. The
Ramban explains that
the lender might not
find it necessary to
return the garment to
the borrower if the
borrower is not a very
good fellow. Hashem
therefore says that He does not judge people
who are in distress. If somebody cries out to
Him in pain, Hashem listens to His cry, even
if he is not such a great person. This is a very
powerful message for us regarding the proper
approach to hesed, to dealing with people
facing a loss, a crisis, or a
problem. We need to listen to them without
passing judgment, without telling them what
to think or what to feel. If we want to be a
helpful family member or friend, this is what
we need to do – listen, without being critical
and without assuming that we have the
solution. Extending this one step further, we
should realize that virtually everyone is going
through some kind of problem in their life. Of

course, most of us like to hide it, and pretend
that we have our lives all worked out and
perfectly in order. But the vast majority of us
are going through difficult challenges at any
given time. Once we realize this, we will be
far less critical and far less judgmental. We
will be more open to giving people the benefit
the doubt, and to feeling sympathy rather than
resentment. If we want to help people, the
most important thing we need to do is to allow
all people the right to feel what they feel,
understand that everybody has difficulties of
some kind, and listen attentively and
sympathetically without passing judgment
and without telling the person what he should
be doing. We just need to listen and be
merciful, just like Hashem.