14 May DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Thank you so much for your column. I enjoy reading it each week. I have been in the dating parsha for about a year now.
My problem is not getting dates. Baruch Hashem, I have a great social circle and family support all looking out for me. My
problem is that I get so nervous before the date that I can’t have a normal conversation on the date; at least I don’t feel it’s
normal. Before a date I lose my appetite and I work myself up so much that by the time of the date I find I have nothing
to say. What’s odd is that I’m a pretty social person so I’m having difficulty figuring out what’s going on? How can I be
natural in a situation which is so unnatural? Hoping you can help me get this past this. -Nauseous in Nassau.

Dear Nauseous in Nassau,
It is common for a person to feel uncomfortable in
different situations. We are all made with a passive
danger sense. It has kept us and our ancestors alive for
generations. Whether we know it or not, our minds
are searching each situation, and assessing whether
or not something is a threat to us and our wellbeing.
Our “spider-sense” sometimes lock on to some cue,
which reminds it of a situation where there was danger,
embarrassment, or discomfort. When this occurs, the
body prepares for danger, to run away, to fight or to
freeze. It sounds like your early warning system keeps
getting activated. This could be why you’re blanking
out. When you are on the run from a danger, you

generally don’t need to ask someone what their favorite
color or desert is, nor where their family is from. So
your mind shuts those parts off, in order to save energy
for other things.
If this you find this to be recurring and debilitating,
we’d recommend you seek professional help.
Consider, are there any other situations where you
find this occurs? Ask yourself, what is the worst that
can happen if you don’t have anything to say. There can
be pauses in a conversation, and there is no problem
with it happening. Can you be “ok” with that feeling,
that “maybe I won’t have anything to say?” Sit with
the feeling and observe it, without judging, if you find
your mind begins to do so, gently direct it back to the

moment. When you sit with feelings of anxiety, instead
of avoiding them, judging them or focusing on them,
the danger sense shuts down.
Is there a way that you can prepare topics of interest
to you in case you go blank? Look for open ended
questions which you encourage discussion, as opposed
to questions which can be answered with one or two
words.
We wish you much luck in the future with all of your
dating.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.