16 Jul DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira ,
Thank you for your weekly column in the Jewish & Country Vues. I read it weekly. I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a
situation. I had said yes to a zoom date, and after thinking it wasn’t going anywhere, accepted to go out with another
man. To my surprise, the zoom date decided he wanted to go out again, and it so happens that he’ll be in this week,
before my date with the second guy! I now have two dates! What should I do?
“Double date”

Dear “Double Date”,
Wow, that’s a pretty wild situation! It’s very hard
to date two people at the same time, the smallest
part of the problem is accidentally calling the guy
by the other one’s name! While some people can
maintain the intellectual distance, it’s very hard not
to constantly scrutinize each one comparing one
against the other. As counterintuitive as it seems,
at the same time, you might confuse your feelings
for each one too.
Additionally, it’s not necessarily fair to the person
you’re dating. They might think that you are only
interacting and focusing on them, and they are
focusing only on you. However, you are actually
splitting your focus and not properly devoting

your relationship the attention it deserves.
While there are shadchanim who feel that at the
beginning stages of a relationship this might be ok,
we’re not thrilled with the idea. It’s not fair to you
or them.
So, what should you do? While it might make for a
romantic comedy for orthodox jews to try to keep
both commitments at the same time, it’s best to
reach out to the shadchan and put the second date
on hold. As in many situations, we’re convinced
that honesty is the best policy. Tell them what
happened and you need to cancel the second date.
Truth often is stranger than fiction. This is one
of those times. Since shadchanim deal with a lot
of people, I’m sure they’ve heard it all. Apologize

for the mixup. As we are all human, mistakes and
misunderstandings will occur. Speak to the second
shadchan and tell them about the mixup. Explain
that you want to give each guy their proper time,
and you’ll follow up with them after you finish with
this other match. Remember, even with all of the
effort that we put into things, at the end of the day,
it is Hashem Yisborach who rules the world.
Hashem should bless you with clarity, and in the
merit of being forthcoming and honest, you should
have smoother progress moving forward!
Hatzlacha!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack