30 Jul THE SECRET TO A HAPPY HOME – PART TWO

Last week, we cited the
fundamental Rashi, that
the way for a man to treat
his wife like a husband
should, is legad’lah
u’lechavevah, to make
her feel important and
wanted. Making her
important is one of the
commitments he makes to her in the kesubah
when he says, “Anah eflach v’okir – I will
work for and honor her.”
Let’s take a minute to appreciate this. A good
Jew has to honor every person. As the Mishna
says in Pirkei Avos, “Yehi ch’vod chavercha
chaviv alecha k’shelach – Let the honor of
your friend be as precious to you as your own.”
Therefore, when a man commits himself in the
kesubah to honor his wife, it means to honor
her more than everyone else. This is consistent
with what the Gemora teaches us in Yevamos:
That a man should honor his wife more than
himself. Among other things, this means that
he should never cut her off in the middle of
her sentence but rather allow her to express
her feelings and her wants. He should never
talk to her in a condescending or childish tone.
Speaking to her with satire or sarcasm is also
certainly not being respectful.
We do things for our own honor such as
purchasing a stylish car, a handsome suit, an
elegant pair of shoes, or a fancy new hat. We
should remember that those things that make
our wife feel honored such as a nice sheitl,
a beautiful dress or nice jewelry should take
precedence to our own honor. That is the

meaning of honoring her more than oneself,
which the Rambam includes as one of the
obligations of a husband to his wife.
In Megilas Esther [5:2], after Esther risked
her life to approach Achashveirosh unbidden,
the posuk tells us, “Vayoshet hamelech l’Ester
es sharvit hazahav asher b’yado v’tikrav
Ester vatiga b’rosh hasharvit – Achashveirosh
stretched out the golden scepter that was in his
hand toward Esther and Esther approached and
touched the tip of the scepter.” Rav Shamshon
Ostropola, zt”l, zy”a, asks two questions.
First, why does it have to say asher b’yado, the
scepter which was in his hand? Obviously, if
he stretched it out, it was in his hand. Second,
why does it have to say that Esther touched
b’rosh hasharvit, the tip of the scepter? It
could have said simply that she touched it.
Rav Shamshon brilliantly explains that
Achashveirosh, with a loving gesture, reversed
the scepter and offered her the part that had
been in his hand. This demonstrated that
as his queen, she not only could come in
unbidden but she also had the right to allow
others to enter, as he does. Esther responded
by matching his respect and only touched the
original tip of the scepter demonstrating, “I am
only but one of your humble subjects.” Rav
Shamshon concludes that when each spouse
shows respect to the other, that is the way to
make a happy, healthy home.
Rav Dinner, zt”l, zy”a, when singing Eishes
Chayil, had a custom. When he reached the
verse, “V’at alis al kulonah – And you tower
above them all,” he and the rest of the family
would point to his wife. When he was already

an old man, Reb Yaakov Kamenetsky, zt”l,
zy”a, would sit by the window and listen
carefully for when his wife would arrive with
the shopping so that he could run out and help
her with the bags.
By one of the keynote sessions of the Agudah
convention, Reb Yaakov and Rav Shneur
Kotler were walking in to sit at the dais. They
were somewhat late and there were already
close to a thousand people already in the hall.
Reb Shneur suggested that they should enter
through the kitchen which led up directly
to the dais so as not to trouble the entire
crowd to stand up for them. This follows
the recommendation of the Gemora, “Man
d’makif chayyai – One who takes a circuitous
route (as not to trouble people to stand up) will
live.” Reb Yaakov insisted that they should
enter through the main door, explaining
that their wives were in attendance and they
sacrifice much when people come knocking at
all hours of the day and night. Therefore, they
deserved to see us being honored.
Rashi’s second definition of behaving like
a husband is l’chavevah, to show her that
she is wanted and desired. A husband can
accomplish this by showing her that he is
happy when she calls, by demonstrating that
he is making time to spend with her, by getting
her thoughtful gifts ( figuring out things that
she would like to receive), and writing her
loving cards. Saying nice things about her to
her relatives and friends also is a great way to
make her feel important and wanted.
I remember that one time Rav Moshe
Feinstein’s, zt”l, zy”a, Rebbetzin was in Eretz

Yisroel. On the day that she was scheduled to
return, Reb Moshe kept on asking me whether
the Rebbetzin had arrived. I realized that
although he was in his late 80s, he wanted
to walk from the bungalow all the way to
the parking lot – a great distance – in order
to personally greet her upon her arrival. That
left an indelible impression upon me, of how
a husband is supposed to show a wife that she
is wanted.
I’m sure the reader can come up with other
ways to show their spouse that they are
important and desired. The main thing is that
we should have these missions in mind and
focus upon them often. In this merit, may
Hashem bless us with a happy home, long life,
good health, and everything wonderful.