14 Aug DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Thanks for your column. I look forward to reading it each week in The Jewish Vues.
Here is my issue. At what point should a person start dating? My parents are starting to intimate that it’s time
by sending me not so subtle hints. “Oh Mrs. Cohen’s son started dating, wasn’t he in your class? Mrs. Klein called
asking when you’re dating. What about Mrs. Weiss’ daughter? She’s dating now.” I am only 22. How do I know I’m
ready? -Ready or Not on in the Rockaways

Dear Ready or Not,
There are many ways to date and find your spouse. There are
some communities which date once or twice and then they
marry. There are others who date for a bit longer and will go
out 10-12 times. Then there are communities which assign
no specific number to the amount of dates. It is important to
consider the community’s guidelines, especially when dating
in that community. In a community where it is done rather
quickly, one should keep in mind that he can be engaged just a
few months after starting the dating process. At the same time,
it is important to remember that while there are guidelines
each person is different, and some individuals need more or
less time than others to decide.
The most important question you should ask yourself before
starting to date is, “are you ready share your world with
someone else?” This question can be split in two components.
Do you have the emotional sensitivities to begin caring for
someone else and do you have a financial plan?
In terms of finances, do you have concrete plans? Did you go

to college? Graduate school or a trade school? Did you get an
apprenticeship for a specific career? Do you have your own
business or are you working for someone else? In other words,
are you ready to support yourself and your significant other?
Do you have any savings? Are your parents in a position to
help if you are not ready to support your family? If so, are you
interested in receiving assistance? Have you considered the
expectations which might come along with familial financial
support?
Even after the financial angle has been discussed, you
must consider the emotional portion as well as it is just as
important. Are you prepared to share space and time with
someone else? For example, how do you feel about someone
eating the last piece of pizza? Finishing the soda? Have you
ever shared a room and space with someone else? What was
your experience? Can you welcome someone else into your
world?
How are your communication skills? Do you know how to
speak about your feelings, needs and expectations? If you

are not the best communicator, are you ready to learn how.
Are you prepared to listen and accept an opinion which is
different to yours? How do you act and react when things
don’t go according to your plans? Are you ready to make
decisions with someone else that could impact you and your
family for years to come? If you feel you need help in any of the
areas mentioned, speak to a therapist for guidance. Are there
outstanding mental health or emotional issues which you have
not resolved? Have you begun to see someone about them?
You do not need to have the answers to all the questions.
What’s important is that you need to begin thinking about
them seriously keeping in mind some of the questions may
take a lifetime to master. These questions will help you
understand yourself and what you will need to do in order to
prepare for the next stage in life.
We wish you much Hatzlacha!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.