20 Aug THIS COUPLE ALMOST DIDN’T GET MARRIED DUE TO ONE WORD: WEIRD

Labels can cause
real damage.
Name calling in
politics is nothing new.
America has a long
history of presidential
candidates hurling insults at one another,
going all the way back to the 1800 race
between Thomas Jefferson and John
Adams. And yet, it often feels like we
manage to reach new lows.
When those who are competing for the
presidency on both sides engage in juvenile
name calling instead of focusing on
differences in policies, it is not only
demeaning to the position they seek but it
helps launder this behavior for the general
population, and makes name-calling
permissible, acceptable, and even
admirable. Children who call others names
are called bullies and it is no less wrong
when the same behavior is coming from
adults.
Labeling a person can damage someone
socially and financially in real and lasting
ways you may not even appreciate in the
moment.

David and Elisheva (names changed) are a
fantastic couple in our community. They
are building a beautiful family together, but
their wonderful marriage almost didn’t
happen.
Elisheva was moving to the West Side of
Manhattan and went to meet up with a
friend to see a potential apartment. She got
to the building early and while waiting in
the lobby, noticed a guy who looked, in her
words, “Jewishly observant and normal.”
Always on the lookout for her potential
bashert, she asked the friend, “What’s the
story with the guy who was in the lobby
before?”
Oh, that guy? He’s totally weird, he is
always talking to the doorman.
The friend made a face and said, “Oh, that
guy? That guy is totally weird, he is always
talking to the doorman.”
That comment embedded itself deeply in
her mind and created a mental block, a
narrative that David was “the weird guy
who talks to the doorman,” someone she
should never be interested in.
Elisheva moved into the building and,

over the course of the
next couple of years,
crossed paths with David
at Shabbat meals, speed
dating events and,
naturally, the lobby of
the building. They made
small talk and at times it
even felt like they were
making a connection, but
whenever they
interacted, Elisheva still
heard the voice of her
friend telling her that
David is the “weird guy who talks to the
doorman,” and she of course had no
interest. Who wants to go out with someone
weird?
Two years after Elisheva moved in, David
was scheduled to move out and leave New
York. On his last Shabbat, he ran into
Elisheva and told her that he was leaving.
They had a great conversation, and it even
felt to him like for the first time, she had let
her guard down. So, he thought to himself,
why not, why not give this a shot and ask
her out directly.
When Shabbat ended, he called her.
Elisheva thought to herself, You know, he
is a nice enough guy, and even if he is
weird, he deserves an A for effort. I’ll go
out once just to be nice. It will be a ‘one
and done’.”
When they went out, Elisheva discovered
that David often talked to the doorman
because he lived on the first floor, worked
from his apartment, had limited
interactions with people, and enjoyed
stepping out to connect with someone
who was often lonely himself. David
wasn’t “weird,” he was actually
wonderful.
A few months later they were engaged,
and the rest is history.
Had the friend not attached that label of
“weird”, they could have avoided two
years of dating the wrong people and
“wasting” their time.
Reflecting on their story, Elisheva says
had the friend not attached that label of
“weird” and planted that mental block,
they could have avoided two years of
going down the wrong paths, dating the
wrong people and “wasting” their time.
Recognizing that while everything has a
reason and God clearly decided they
needed to date for two additional years
after first seeing each other, she still says
the friend was unkind and unfair using
that term “weird” and it could have
caused her to pass up her soul mate

altogether.
Tu B’Av: Come Together
This coming week we observe Tu B’Av.
The Mishna characterizes Tu B’Av as the
happiest day of the year, a day that the
women of Jerusalem would dress up in
white and would draw attention to their
interest in finding a husband and building a
home.
But why this date? The Talmud (Taanit
30a) identifies several events that happened
specifically on the 15th of Av, including the
day young men and women were allowed
to marry among the different tribes. It was
also the day the tribe of Benjamin was
welcomed back into the Jewish people after
the sordid episode with the concubine in
Givah detailed in the Book of Judges, the
day those who travelled through the desert
stopped dying, the day the guards who
blocked the roads to Jerusalem were
removed, the day those martyred in Beitar
were allowed to be buried.
What emerges from this seemingly
disparate list is that Tu B’Av is the holiday
of bringing back together that which was
apart. Tribes were divided, the Jewish
people were alienated from God, and on Tu
B’av the pieces of the puzzle that belonged
together were put back in place to form the
most beautiful and unified picture.
Tu B’Av is the holiday of unity and
oneness, of parts becoming a whole.
We can only go from Tisha B’Av, a day
commemorating the tragedies and
calamities that come from being divided, to
Tu B’Av, a day of unity and togetherness, if
we are careful with our labels, words, and
the way we describe one another. There is
nothing weird about loving every Jew and
seeing the best and the positive in them.
The next time you are asked about
someone for a date, a business deal or as a
reference, be honest and truthful. But also
be thoughtful and judicious in what
adjectives and labels you use. One word
can be the difference between happiness

and loneliness.