10 Sep DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
My wife came from a frum household and prefers to cover her hair with a teichel, however she doesn’t cover all her hair and half of her hair is exposed.
She says she does this to be more “fashionable” but I’m not sure it actually counts if you show half your real hair. She gets very upset when I bring up
the topic and claims that all the talk about covering your hair to give your kids an extra bracha is nonsense as all there are many women don’t cover
their hair, yet their families are blessed with lots of wealth. Do I have a right to make this an issue or does this only fall on my wife, whether she is in
the right or wrong ?
– Concerned Hubby

Hi. Thanks for writing in. What a sensitive topic!
There are several issues for discussion in your
situation. First, as this is a relationship column,
we’ll leave the halachic analysis to a discussion
with your Local Orthodox Rabbi.
It’s very hard to be anyone else’s mashgiach
ruchani (spiritual supervisor.) A person makes
their religious choices and often will not be happy
to be told that something they are doing is wrong.
This is doubly important when it has to do with a
woman’s method of dress. These are matters which
are often very triggering and laden with emotional
meaning to her. Calling her out or telling her that
she isn’t accomplishing anything is not going to
convince her to be more careful about this.

Have you had a non confrontational conversation
to understand what is transpiring? Meaning
speaking with her to understand why she is doing
this? If she has changed the way she is covering her
hair, consider; How did her mother cover her hair?
Is she behaving in a way which is different from
what she saw growing up? Is her practice common
to her social circle? Is she brucking a societal
trend? Fitting in to something the way it was done
in her family?
Was this ever a conversation between the two of
you? Did you assume that she was going to cover
her hair one way and then she changed or has she
always been doing it this way? If so, why did you
decide to start speaking about it now?

What about this concerns you? Is it a feeling of
a sliding of halachic stances which worries you?
Does it have to do with getting into schools/ shuls
social circles?
Have you shared your concerns, and what was
bothering you? Have you heard what’s been going
on in her life?
If you have discussed it once, harping or being
passive aggressive will not get the response you
are seeking. Rather, we recommend just trying to
be positive about many other aspects of Avodas
Hashem.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.