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    17 Sep DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 17:17h in by
    0 Likes

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,
    My parents don’t understand me. I understand many teenagers or young adults say that, but in my case it is true and is having
    serious repercussions on my future. I went to “all the right schools and seminaries”, never “stepped out of line” and now I’ve
    arrived at the point in my life where I’m looking to get married. My parents have been accepting shidduchim for me that are
    not appropriate. I am looking for guy who will be “kovea itim” but goes to work. They are accepting suggestions in which
    the man in question wants to learn for 5 years or more, and I’m not interested. Baruch Hashem my parents are well off and
    can support my future family for many years. However, my parents didn’t raise us in that lifestyle, and I am not interested in
    pursuing it. -Missing the Point in Midwood

    Dear Missing the Point,
    We’re sorry that you are experiencing these
    problems. Consider, the following, have you
    discussed with your frustrations with your
    parents? You said that you had “always gone
    to the right schools” and “never stepped out of
    line.” How open are the lanes of conversation
    with your parents? Do you often talk about life
    decisions and hashkafa with them? Are these
    suggestions coming out of the blue? Or have
    you always agreed with your parents without
    much discussion about your thoughts and your

    plans for the future? Have you been clear with
    them about your thoughts and feelings about
    your prospective spouse?
    Have you discussed their thought process
    why they are setting you up with men of this
    direction and background? Are they living
    vicariously through you out of a sense of lost
    opportunity? Are they assuming that as you
    are a “good girl”, these suggestions are in their
    eyes or the eyes of their social circles, the
    prototypical “good guy”? Is it possible that these
    are the values that they have always subscribed

    to but never discussed with you? Maybe they
    felt the institutions which you attended shared
    these values and they were instilled in you.
    Regardless, always preface these conversations
    with gratitude and respect for all they have
    done for you, as well as with confidence in
    the way that they have raised you to be able to
    make these very important decisions in your
    life.
    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack