03 Dec PARASHAT VAYESEH: LOVING THROUGH GIVING

We read in Parashat
Vayeseh that when
Yaakob arrived in
Haran, at the home
of his uncle, Laban, he
reached an agreement with Laban. According
to the agreement, Yaakob would work for
seven years as a shepherd, tending to Laban’s
herds, in reward for which he would marry
Laban’s younger daughter, Rachel, whom
Yaakob loved. As we know, Laban ended
up tricking Yaakob, and bringing him his
older daughter, Leah, instead. Yaakov would
eventually marry Rachel, as well, one week
later, in exchange for another seven years of
work.
The Torah relates that after Yaakob and
Laban made their initial agreement, Yaakob
shepherded Laban’s flocks for seven years,
“and they were like just a few days, because
of his love for her” (29:20). The lengthy
seven-year period passed very quickly, the
Torah tells us, because Yaakob loved Rachel
so deeply.
Many have noted that seemingly, Yaakob’s
love for Rachel should have made the time
pass more slowly, not more quickly. When
somebody anticipates an event, the days
do not pass fast enough. Why, then, does
the Torah say that the time passed quickly
because of Yaakob’s love for Rachel?

The answer to this question lies in a common
misconception about what “love” really is.
I once heard this idea explained by way of an
analogy of a person who enjoys eating fish,
and is asked by somebody who observes him
eating a scrumptious fish dinner, “Why are
you eating fish?”
“What do you mean?” the fellow replies. “I
love fish!”
“You love fish?” his friend asks. “Why would
you want this fish to be pulled out of the
water and killed, and then baked in an oven,
if you love it? You don’t love fish – you love
yourself, and so you eat fish because it brings
you pleasure.”
Rav Eliyahu Dessler (1892-1953), in a
famous passage in his Michtab Me’Eliyahu
(vol. 1, p. 38), explains that true love is a
desire to give to the other person. Many
marriages fail or come under strain, Rav
Dessler writes, because the spouses focus
more on having their wishes fulfilled by one
another, rather than fulfilling each other’s
wishes. If a relationship is built upon the
selfish desire to fulfill one’s own wishes, then,
invariably, there will be disappointment and
resentment. But if a relationship is built upon
true love, which means that each spouse cares
for the other and gives to the other, then the
relationship will blossom. Often, Rav Dessler

observes, a marriage begins with the
husband and wife trying to impress
and please each other for their own
interests, in order to receive the
gratification that they seek. Since
their goal is their own satisfaction,
this will not last. In order for the
marriage to succeed, both parties
must be committed to giving to each
other unconditionally.
On this basis, some commentators
suggested an explanation for why
the seven years Yaakob spent
working for Laban passed by so
quickly. Yaakob’s love for Rachel was real.
He did not “love” her only because she would
please him and satisfy him. He loved her in
the sense that he was genuinely concerned
about and committed to her. And when
Yaakob first arrived in Haran, he met Rachel
at the well, because she was tending to her
father’s flocks (29:6), as there was, apparently,
nobody else to do the job. Yaakob’s work for
Laban relieved Rachel of the responsibility to
shepherd the sheep. And this is why Yaakob
enjoyed the seven years of work – because he
welcomed the opportunity to help Rachel, to
free her from the obligations of shepherding.
This is what true love is – the desire to give
to the other, to sacrifice for the other, rather
than trying to get the other to give to us and to

sacrifice for us.
There is a longstanding custom that the groom
breaks a glass under the Hupa, at the end of
the marriage ceremony. One explanation of
this practice might be that the word “Kos”
(“cup”) in Gematria equals 86, which is
the same Gematria as the word “Ha’teba” –
“nature.” As the groom is about to leave the
Hupa and begin married life, he is told that
he must break his nature. We are all naturally
inclined to take, to try to derive benefit from
other people. In order for a marriage to
succeed, the couple must break this nature,
and set out to give, instead of take. Married
life requires both parties to constantly give
to, and sacrifice for, one another. This is what
engenders true love, and what will create a
happy and mutually fulfilling relationship.