13 May DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I started dating a wonderful man in the autumn and things were all falling into place. I was so excited for our future
to begin together. We were making our plans for our engagement and wedding. And then seasonal depression struck.
Honestly, I have been struggling with it for years but I thought now that I found someone who makes me feel so happy,
I wouldn’t struggle as much. Sadly that is not the case.
I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve lost my interest in going out and dating. I feel tired, anxious and
hopeless about our future. Just getting to work every day takes all the strength out of me. My boyfriend is very worried
about me, but I’m afraid to tell him the truth, and tell him that this happens to me every year. Although I know I will
feel better in the spring, I’m not sure my relationship can weather the winter. -Winter Blues in Brooklyn

Dear Winter Blues,
We’re sorry you are dealing with Seasonal Affective
Disorder. You are not alone! Many people are affected
by the shortened days, the lack of the light and the
cold weather keeping them inside. We hope you are in
discussion with mental health professionals in order to
cope with it. Treatment, changes in diet, activity and
even light exposure can assist with it, but consultation
with a professional is a must.
We’d like to start with a point which you brought up
in your letter, that you thought that now that you have
a relationship, you wouldn’t be struggling during the
winter. Achieving a goal will not be a lasting cause for

enduring happiness. When we make the statement, if
I’m in a relationship, then I’ll be happy, we are setting
ourselves up for dissatisfaction. It is great to be in a
relationship, but it will only make you happy for a
limited amount of time. Meaningful life comes from
the pursuit of values. A goal is a sign post, and once it
has been reached, we experience an inner “ok, so now
what?” A value on the other hand gives you continuous
direction. If having a relationship is a value, then the
course one takes must be to maintain the relationship.
For this reason, we believe that you must speak
with your boyfriend. We believe that he’ll be more
understanding than you realize. Choices that are based

on avoidance often breed more avoidance. If you are
not speaking to him out of fear of what he will say, you
are building a wall between the two of you. Discussing
your challenges and fears together will build bridges,
not walls. You will be able to talk about your struggle
and how he can help. The communication and mutual
understanding which will emerge will only make your
relationship stronger.
We wish you hatzlacha,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.