
30 Jun MAKING YOUR SPOUSE FIRST
In the Eishes Chayil
(Woman of Valor)
ballad where our wives
are serenaded before
Friday night kiddush, we
praise them that they are
tzofiah halichos beisa,
they oversee the ways
of their home. Even stronger are the words
in Mishlei: “Chachmos [nashim] bansah
bauysah – The wisdom [of a woman] builds
her home.”
The Gemara sites as an example of this,
the wife of Ohn ben Peles who, with her
chochmah, her foresight, saved her husband
from the hellish fate of Korach and his
cohorts. She told him that he had nothing
to gain with a fight against Moshe; indeed,
either way he would remain a follower. He
acknowledged that she was correct, but he
responded that he had already given them his
pledge and that, as a Jew, he couldn’t break
his word. She told him, ‘Leave that to me,’
and she plied him with strong wine until he
fell into a slumber.
Then, she went outside of their tent and
made herself immodest and, when some of
Korach’s men came to collect Ohn, they
gave the tent a wide berth since they saw an
immodest woman on the doorstep. She thus
saved her husband from certain death, living
up to the very first praise in Eishes Chayil,
“Batach bah leiv ba’alah, the husband of a
Woman of Valor knows that he can always
count on his wife, that she ‘always has his
back.’ When we go under the chuppah, we’re
making a lifelong statement that from now
on, ‘You, my spouse, are the most important
person in my life.’
In parshas Shelach, the meraglim, the spies
declared, “Lo nuchal la’alos el ha’am ki
chazak hu mimenu – We cannot go up
against these people for they are stronger that
we are.” Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, zy”a,
wondered, after the ten plagues that ravaged
Egypt, the remarkable splitting of the Red
Sea which killed nine million Egyptians in
just four hours and was accompanied with
250 miracles at the sea, how it was possible
for them to think that with Hashem’s help
they would not be able to go up against the
Canaanites.
Rav Moshe answered with a fundamental
principle. He explained that the Jews
worshiped idolatry for at least 117 years in
Egypt. Then they saw flashes of fireworks,
the plagues, the miracles at the Yam Suf and,
through these momentary revelations, they
believed in Hashem. However, concluded
Rav Moshe, belief built on brief moments
of divine fireworks is very often short-lived.
To build lasting emunah takes years of effort
from parents, rabbei’im, moros, and personal
study so that a deepening emunah should take
root in one’s soul. It takes successive Pesach
transmissions from father to son, mother to
daughter, many Sukkos experiences, and so
forth.
It is the same with marriage. The attitude
that one knows that ‘you’ve got my back’
isn’t born overnight. It’s achieved with a
persistent series of small acts and gestures
where husband and wife demonstrate that
‘you are first in my book.’ It means getting
off the phone quickly to greet your spouse
when they arrive home after a long day. It
means not multitasking when you spend time
with your spouse. It means always answering
the phone when your spouse call rather than
letting it go to voicemail because your not in
the mood. And when you answer the phone
it should be with a cultivated tenderness
and not with an annoyed voice born from
familiarity! It means putting the cellphone
away and giving them your full attention.
When you have good news, share it with your
spouse first. I once heard of an unfortunate
incident. A young wife took an EPT test
and was so excited when it was positive
that she called her best friend, squealing
“I’m pregnant.” The best friend’s husband
happened to be home at the time, heard her
squeal and asked, “What’s up?” She said
excitedly, “Suri is pregnant!” The man,
who was friendly with Suri’s husband,
called him up to congratulate him causing
an unfortunate consequence, that the
husband first heard about his future baby
from his wife’s friend’s husband instead of
directly from his wife. So again, always
share good news with your spouse first.
Under the chuppah the wife goes around
the husband seven times. This is to declare
that from then on, he becomes the center
of her universe. Likewise, the husband
commits himself to the kesuvah, pledging
that he will cherish her more than everyone
else. In so doing, each one should make
sure to give prime-time during the day to
their partner. Not just mere leftovers and
crumbs. Remember, the best presents you
can give to your loved one is more of your
presence.
Another way to make your spouse feel
special is through the unique marital
allowance of physical affection. There is
great truth in the adage, “Touch says what
words often can’t.”
I’ll never forget, a woman once told me
that her husband was a fine individual but,
if she got sick, he was worse than useless.
She complained that when the chips were
down, shouldn’t she be able to count on him.
While of course she was right, this situation
is not unusual. Marital relationships are
very reciprocal. Usually, this woman was
sweet and patient so her husband reacted
in kind. However, when she was unwell,
she became cranky and irritable. Thus, her
husband mirrored that behavior which was a
failure on his part. This is one of the basic
challenges of marriage. It is precisely why
the second praise of the Woman of Valor is,
“Gemalas’hu tov v’lo ra, kol yamei chayehah
– She reciprocates good, but never bad, all
the days of her life.”
A mate who wants to excel at making their
partner first will staunchly defend their
partner’s honor in all situations. This is
especially important when raising children.
If a child is chutzpadig to your partner in your
presence, you must immediately react like a
tiger in your partner’s defense. This behavior
will serve your children well when they get
married. This is even more important if you
are in a second marriage. If your children are
giving your new spouse a hard time, although
they might be grieving for a lost parent, you
must fiercely put down such insurrection and
remind them that it is Biblically incumbent
upon them to act with honor and respect
toward your new spouse.
The word for marital joy is sas. This word
is a palindrome because, as I explained, the
marital relationship is indeed reciprocal.
In the merit of putting our spouse first, we
should be zoche that they treat us in kind and
we should be both blessed with long life,
good health, and everything wonderful.