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    MAKING YOUR SPOUSE FIRST

    In the Eishes Chayil
    (Woman of Valor)
    ballad where our wives
    are serenaded before
    Friday night kiddush, we
    praise them that they are
    tzofiah halichos beisa,
    they oversee the ways
    of their home. Even stronger are the words
    in Mishlei: “Chachmos [nashim] bansah
    bauysah – The wisdom [of a woman] builds
    her home.”
    The Gemara sites as an example of this,
    the wife of Ohn ben Peles who, with her
    chochmah, her foresight, saved her husband
    from the hellish fate of Korach and his
    cohorts. She told him that he had nothing
    to gain with a fight against Moshe; indeed,
    either way he would remain a follower. He
    acknowledged that she was correct, but he
    responded that he had already given them his
    pledge and that, as a Jew, he couldn’t break
    his word. She told him, ‘Leave that to me,’
    and she plied him with strong wine until he
    fell into a slumber.
    Then, she went outside of their tent and
    made herself immodest and, when some of
    Korach’s men came to collect Ohn, they
    gave the tent a wide berth since they saw an
    immodest woman on the doorstep. She thus
    saved her husband from certain death, living

    up to the very first praise in Eishes Chayil,
    “Batach bah leiv ba’alah, the husband of a
    Woman of Valor knows that he can always
    count on his wife, that she ‘always has his
    back.’ When we go under the chuppah, we’re
    making a lifelong statement that from now
    on, ‘You, my spouse, are the most important
    person in my life.’
    In parshas Shelach, the meraglim, the spies
    declared, “Lo nuchal la’alos el ha’am ki
    chazak hu mimenu – We cannot go up
    against these people for they are stronger that
    we are.” Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, zy”a,
    wondered, after the ten plagues that ravaged
    Egypt, the remarkable splitting of the Red
    Sea which killed nine million Egyptians in
    just four hours and was accompanied with
    250 miracles at the sea, how it was possible
    for them to think that with Hashem’s help
    they would not be able to go up against the
    Canaanites.
    Rav Moshe answered with a fundamental
    principle. He explained that the Jews
    worshiped idolatry for at least 117 years in
    Egypt. Then they saw flashes of fireworks,
    the plagues, the miracles at the Yam Suf and,
    through these momentary revelations, they
    believed in Hashem. However, concluded
    Rav Moshe, belief built on brief moments
    of divine fireworks is very often short-lived.
    To build lasting emunah takes years of effort

    from parents, rabbei’im, moros, and personal
    study so that a deepening emunah should take
    root in one’s soul. It takes successive Pesach
    transmissions from father to son, mother to
    daughter, many Sukkos experiences, and so
    forth.
    It is the same with marriage. The attitude
    that one knows that ‘you’ve got my back’
    isn’t born overnight. It’s achieved with a
    persistent series of small acts and gestures
    where husband and wife demonstrate that
    ‘you are first in my book.’ It means getting
    off the phone quickly to greet your spouse
    when they arrive home after a long day. It
    means not multitasking when you spend time
    with your spouse. It means always answering
    the phone when your spouse call rather than
    letting it go to voicemail because your not in
    the mood. And when you answer the phone
    it should be with a cultivated tenderness
    and not with an annoyed voice born from
    familiarity! It means putting the cellphone
    away and giving them your full attention.
    When you have good news, share it with your
    spouse first. I once heard of an unfortunate
    incident. A young wife took an EPT test
    and was so excited when it was positive
    that she called her best friend, squealing
    “I’m pregnant.” The best friend’s husband
    happened to be home at the time, heard her
    squeal and asked, “What’s up?” She said
    excitedly, “Suri is pregnant!” The man,
    who was friendly with Suri’s husband,
    called him up to congratulate him causing
    an unfortunate consequence, that the
    husband first heard about his future baby
    from his wife’s friend’s husband instead of
    directly from his wife. So again, always
    share good news with your spouse first.
    Under the chuppah the wife goes around
    the husband seven times. This is to declare
    that from then on, he becomes the center
    of her universe. Likewise, the husband
    commits himself to the kesuvah, pledging
    that he will cherish her more than everyone
    else. In so doing, each one should make
    sure to give prime-time during the day to
    their partner. Not just mere leftovers and
    crumbs. Remember, the best presents you
    can give to your loved one is more of your
    presence.
    Another way to make your spouse feel
    special is through the unique marital
    allowance of physical affection. There is
    great truth in the adage, “Touch says what
    words often can’t.”
    I’ll never forget, a woman once told me
    that her husband was a fine individual but,
    if she got sick, he was worse than useless.
    She complained that when the chips were
    down, shouldn’t she be able to count on him.
    While of course she was right, this situation
    is not unusual. Marital relationships are
    very reciprocal. Usually, this woman was
    sweet and patient so her husband reacted
    in kind. However, when she was unwell,
    she became cranky and irritable. Thus, her

    husband mirrored that behavior which was a
    failure on his part. This is one of the basic
    challenges of marriage. It is precisely why
    the second praise of the Woman of Valor is,
    “Gemalas’hu tov v’lo ra, kol yamei chayehah
    – She reciprocates good, but never bad, all
    the days of her life.”
    A mate who wants to excel at making their
    partner first will staunchly defend their
    partner’s honor in all situations. This is
    especially important when raising children.
    If a child is chutzpadig to your partner in your
    presence, you must immediately react like a
    tiger in your partner’s defense. This behavior
    will serve your children well when they get
    married. This is even more important if you
    are in a second marriage. If your children are
    giving your new spouse a hard time, although
    they might be grieving for a lost parent, you
    must fiercely put down such insurrection and
    remind them that it is Biblically incumbent
    upon them to act with honor and respect
    toward your new spouse.
    The word for marital joy is sas. This word
    is a palindrome because, as I explained, the
    marital relationship is indeed reciprocal.
    In the merit of putting our spouse first, we
    should be zoche that they treat us in kind and
    we should be both blessed with long life,
    good health, and everything wonderful.