11 Nov PARSHAT CHAYEI SARA: THE SECRET RELATIONSHIP UNDERSTANDING MARRIAGE ON A SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL
How Is Your
Marriage?
“How is your
marriage?” Someone
once asked a woman.
Her response:
“Before I got
married, I was
incomplete. Now, that I married, I am
finished.”
Sara’s passing
This week’s parsha commences with the sad
story of the sunset of the first Jewish
matriarch, Sara, and her husband Avraham’s
efforts to purchase a family burial-plot for
Sara and himself, as well as for future couples
of the founding Jewish family (Bereishit ch.
23). Avraham negotiates a deal with a man
named Efron and ends up paying an enormous
amount of money (400 large and pure silver)
for a field in Chevron, at whose edge was the
“machpalah cave,” or the “double cave,” a
cave suited for the burial of couples’ side-by-
side of each other.
Indeed, as the Torah relates, all of the
patriarchs and matriarchs of Israel (besides
Rachel) – Sara and Avraham, Rivka and
Yitzchak, Leah and Yaakov – were buried in
that cave. The edifice constructed upon it
remains till today one of the holiest sites in
Judaism and is also held in high esteem by
Muslims. Immediately following this story,
the Torah continues to relate the long dramatic
story of how Yitzchak meets and marries his
soul-mate Rivka. This is the section in Torah
known as “the portion of relationships,” and
is read in many Jewish Sephardic communities
on the Shabbat before a wedding in the
community.
Awful Comparisons
Sequence in the Torah is critical. It is always
there to demonstrate a point, to challenge a
convention, to inspire an ideal. How, then, are
we to appreciate the juxtaposition between
such paradoxical themes – the death and
burial of Sara in the “machpalah cave,” and
the dawn of Yitzchak and Rivka’s life as a
married couple?
There is something even more astonishing in
the Talmud.
Biblical law is often ambiguous and riddle-
like. Thus, when Moshe presented the Torah
to the Jewish people, he gave them an oral
interpretation, clarifying and elucidating the
meaning of the Torah. This oral tradition has
been documented in the Mishnah and in the
Talmud.
Marriage is one of those issues where the
Biblical law is unclear and it requires
interpretation.
The Torah speaks of “a man marrying a
woman,” but does not specify the legal means
to affect a marriage. The Talmud presents an
oral tradition to fill the gap. A similar
expression used when discussing marriage is
found once more in the Torah when addressing
Avraham’s purchase of the machpalah cave.
In a classical method of Torah interpretation
known as “gzeirah shavev” (comparing two
distinct cases when a similar word is used in
both), we legally compare the two cases. Just
as Avraham purchased the field and the cave
by means of money, so too must a groom give
a monetary gift to his bride if he wishes to
obtain her hand in marriage.
Till today this law is the basis of every Jewish
marriage. When the groom places the ring on
the finger of his bride and declares “you are
hereby betrothed to me…” man and woman
enter into the covenant of marriage. Why?
Because we derive it from the legal formula
employed by Avraham to purchase the
machpalah cave.
This is classical Talmudic methodology well-
known to any student of the Talmud. Yet it
does seem tasteless, if not awful. Why are we
deriving the laws of marriage from a story of
death and burial? The death of Sara terminated
her marriage with Avraham; yet it is from a
story which terminated a marriage that we
deduce the laws of creating a marriage!
And why are we comparing the obtaining of a
spouse to the purchase of a burial plot? (The
cynic would recall Woody Allen’s quip:
“Marriage is the death of hope.”) The
comparison is so strange and bizarre that it
compels us to look deeper, to gaze into the
secret “caves” of our own relationships.
Two Dimensions
The Torah and the Kabbalah talk about two
dimensions to every relationship: the
disclosed element, situated “above the
ground,” and the hidden component, buried
“beneath the ground,” disguised and veiled.
In our modern lexicon we may define them as
the conscious relationships vs. the
subconscious relationship.
The first layer of the relationship is created by
conscious thoughts, emotions and feelings. “I
love you because I feel for you; I cherish you
because I perceive you as my life’s partner.”
What happens when these powerful feelings
wane?
The relationship, naturally, suffers as well.
When the cause is no more, its effects follow
suit. We observe this phenomenon in many a
marriage. When the passion rages high and
the love towers the heavens, the union is
splendid and vibrant. But when those
passionate emotions and exhilarating
inclinations dissipate, the bond falters, and
the loyalty disappears. The couple may still
be married on paper as far as the IRS is
concerned; internally, though, they are
divorced. And if you are already divorced
internally, you may wonder, why not complete
the process and sever your bonds officially as
well? Who are you fooling?
The Subterranean Bond
Yet the Torah and the Kabbalah address
another facet to relationships — the one buried
beneath the earth, in the inner caves of the
souls relating to each other. This is the
connection you have with a person not
because you consciously experience a bond
with them, but rather because you are
inherently and intrinsically connected,
regardless of your conscious feelings.
The common example for this is the
relationship between parents and children.
Your relationship with your Mom is not
created by your positive conscious feelings
toward her; on the contrary, your feelings
toward your mother are the result of your
subconscious bond with her. You may harbor
negative emotions toward your mother. At
times, you may even need to protect yourself
from your mother (though this should be
determined by an objective voice, not by your
own emotional roller coaster). Yet nothing
will change the fact that she is your mother; a
piece of your essence.
Albeit on a different plane, the Torah ascribes
this dimension of relationships to marriages
as well. In addition to the conscious marriage,
created by the rational and emotional choice
of two adults, there is another layer to the
marital union. This connection is buried
“beneath the ground,” existing in the
subconscious cellars of the man and woman’s
psyches. A husband and a wife are, in the
words of the Zohar, “two halves of one soul.”
Their bond is inherent, intrinsic and eternal,
one that originated before birth and cannot be
obliterated with death.
This layer of the relationship is not created
through our conscious volition; on the
contrary, our conscious feelings are born from
this hidden and essential aspect of the
relationship, binding us together in the
subterranean chambers of our souls. And
when the marriage does encounter strife and
struggle, the soulmates remember that they
are essentially united and that the conflicts
between them, though in need of attention
and repair, ought not and cannot erode the
essential connection between them.
Avraham’s Message
This, perhaps, was the significance of
Avraham working hard to purchase a burial
plot for his wife and himself, as well as for the
couples of the second and third generation of
Jews. This was not a mere expression of
sentimentalism (Bereishit, in general, focuses
far more on justice and truth than on
sentimentalism). It was a statement of
profound spiritual implications — that his
relationship with Sara did not cease after her
death, because it did not begin during her life.
And it was a cave that he purchased, alluding
to the “subterranean relationship,” which
does not cease after death.
This does not mean that a widower or widow
ought never to remarry. Avraham himself
remarries after Sara’s death, and the Torah
teaches that the soul of a deceased spouse
longs that their partner below continue to live
a productive and accomplished life. Often
that requires remarrying. In no way does a
second marriage demonstrate a lack of
sensitivity or betrayal towards the person who
passed on. On the contrary, it may be their
profoundest delight to see that their spouse
below mustered the strength to move on and
to continue to live and love sharing with
another person the gifts of their heart and
soul.
Entering the Cave
This might also be the
symbolism behind the
Jewish law comparing
the betrothal of every
bride and groom with
Avraham’s purchase of
the “cave.”
Superficially, this comes across as very weird.
Yet there is a profoundly moving message
being communicated here. When a groom
places the ring on the finger of his bride, the
Torah is informing him, that he is not only
marrying his spouse on a conscious level; he
is also entering into an eternal relationship
with her. In marriage, they are accessing
together the “cave” buried in the deep
chambers of their souls, where their
relationship is timeless and permanent. The
chupah is not only a union of two people; it is
also a reunion of two halves that were once
one.
This also explains the juxtaposition of Sara’s
burial and the story of Yitzchak and Rivka’s
marriage. At first glance, the sequence seems
to be of poor taste. Upon deeper reflection,
though, the implicit message is clear. Before
you get married you must know that you are
marrying your eternal partner. Divorce is not
an option. You must be resolute that no
argument, fight or crisis will ever tear you
two apart. Your relationship is essential. Your
core self and your spouses core self are one.
Avraham’s treatment of Sara after her demise,
served as a defining lesson to Yitzchak and
Rivka for how to treat their own marriage.
These two, as the Torah relates, had plenty of
arguments; some of these arguments had
dramatic historical implications. But never
did these differences of opinion manage to
tear them apart. Never did Yitzchak and Rivka
lose their loyalty and trust to each other.
Why? Because they never forgot the
connection that defined their relationship
“beneath the ground,” in the subconscious
layers of their souls.
The Metaphor
The human marriage has always been a
metaphor for the marriage between man and
G-d. This marriage, too, operates on two
levels. At times your relationship with G-d is
“above the ground,” exposed and revealed. It
is conscious, exciting and enriching. But what
do you do at a moment of a moral or spiritual
“downer?” How do you react to a condition of
shallowness, alienation and despair? What do
you do when you feel that your marriage with
G-d is soul-less and lifeless? When you are
not even sure He exists?
At such a moment you have to remember the
“cave-like relationship,” the fact that you and
G-d possesses a hidden relationship that may
be invisible, but is always present. This is the
hidden spark of G-dliness and inspiration
etched within the deep caves of your soul that
could never be extinguished. It is not as
exciting and captivating as the relationship
above ground, but it is eternal.