29 Dec Silence is Golden
I’ve received more than the usual emails thanking me for the recent articles on marriage. So, with the help of Hashem, let’s discuss this vital topic some more. I remember when I started my career teaching young women and getting them ready for marriage and motherhood. My very first year was teaching twelfth grade in Sara Schenirer of Boro Park thirty years ago. One young lady asked me what the most important trait is that they should start training themselves for in preparation for marriage. Being a greener at the time, I told her that it’s such an important question that I didn’t want to answer on the spot. Since I taught once a week, I asked her and the entire class to reflect upon the question to see what we all come up with as an answer to this crucial inquiry.
I remember that when I came in the next week, I received some excellent suggestions from the girls. None of them however was the answer I prepared to give them. Before I gave them my reply, I prefaced it with the warning that my answer would likely not impress them. Still, I urged them to consider my answer carefully because it creates a great foundation for a happy marriage. My preface got them very curious and they waited intently for my response so, without further ado, I told them with a flourish the most important thing that they could practice now, and for the future, is knowing when to keep their mouths shut. As I anticipated, this answer was not at all what they expected. They, after all, were looking for something that they could sink their teeth in, a positive act that they could practice like the art of giving, honing their skills at cooking and baking, complimenting, knowing how to say that they’re sorry, or smiling. And indeed, all of these disciplines are important and wonderful.
My answer, however, is based on Mishna in Pirkei Avos, where it states, “Shimon bno omer,Kol yomai gadalti bein hachachamim v’lo matzasi l’guf tov m’shtika – Shimon his son said, All my days I grew up amongst the great sages and I never found anything better for the body than silence.” Many a ruined evening or a spoiled weekend could have been averted if a smart spouse would have practiced some forbearance and wisely looked away and didn’t respond in-kind to an insensitive comment.
I have coined a saying in marriage which would be wise to remember. “In marriage, winners are losers.” As you read this in wonderment, let me explain. You have a fight with your spouse and you ‘win,’ the result is you’re stuck with a sulking ‘loser’ the entire night. So, in a very real way the ‘winner’ is the ‘loser.’ It is a great rule of thumb: something that will not bother you in a few hours is not worth fighting about. It’s much more judicious to look away and maintain the peace – keeping in mind that when there’s peace the Heavenly Shechina, the Divine Presence, permeates our home with all of It’s blessings while, if there’s no peace, the home is void of everything good. As Rashi states succinctly in Bechukosai, “Im ein shalom,ein klum – If there’s no peace, there’s nothing.”
As I write this article, I am very aware that it is much easier to write about this than to practice it for this behavior goes against every instinct that we have. When someone says something unkind, irate, insensitive or unfair, every fiber of our being wants to answer in defense or to reciprocate in kind. It takes years of practice and mounds of thoughtfulness to act otherwise. But, it is a game-changer in maintaining the tranquility and serenity in the home. And, when the children grow up, imagine the wonderful lesson it is for them when they lookin wonderment and ask you “How could you be silent? That was so unfair,” and you smile and diplomatically answer them, “It’s just not a big deal. It’s not worth causing a fuss.” With so much divorce swirling around us, teaching the children a discipline such as this one is a terrific legacy to pass on.
I remember the girls absorbing this with rapt attention and I hope that most of these girls, already by now bubbies, succeeded in implementing this advice in their lives and in their marriages. May Hashem bless us with the smarts to know when to wisely keep our mouths shut and in that merit may we be blessed with long life, good health, and everything wonderful.