26 Feb Who Wants to Marry More?

Generally speaking, does a man or a woman want to get married more? While every person is an individual, they often follow similar attitudes that allow for generalizations. Conventional wisdom, which often is wrong, has it that women want to marry more. Those literate in Jewish texts are familiar with the Aramaic phrase from the Talmud: “Tav le-meisav tan du mi-le-meisav armelu, it is better to live as two than to live as a widow” (Kesubos 75a). This phrase is used to explain that a woman will settle for a lesser man rather than remain single, although really it means that some women will act in that way so we cannot presume that a woman will not. More to our point, the Talmud (Kesubos 86a) says quite explicitly, “More than a man wants to marry, a woman wants to be married.” That should settle it, but it doesn’t.

In a responsum about a couple that split, Rav Shmuel de Modena (Maharshdam) suggests the opposite. Shortly after his wedding, a man realized his father-in-law would not return him money owed. In order to survive, he told his wife he was going to sell her belongings. She quickly packed and moved back with her parents. The man was now abandoned. As a Sephardi, he was allowed to marry an additional wife but he had sworn to his wife that he would not do so, as was customary. Must he obey that vow, given the new conditions?

Maharshdam (Responsa, Yoreh De’ah 140) argues that the vow may be permitted because the man did not know how much pain he would suffer. He expected it to be part of a marriage, not part of a lonely existence. The Mishnah (Kesubos 63a) says that a woman who rebels against her husband (i.e. refuses to have relations at all) is penalized by having seven dinars reduced from her kesubah for each day. A husband who rebels against his wife similarly is penalized by having his wife’s kesubah increased by three and a half dinars per day. The Gemara (ibid., 64b) asks why there is a difference between a man’s penalty and a woman’s. It answers, as explained by Rashi (ad loc.), that man is pained and humiliated more by the lack of a wife.

Based on this concern, Maharshdam says that we must strive to help the husband. The Sages ruled extremely leniently for the sake of an agunah, a woman who is trapped because her husband is absent. In a similar (but lesser) fashion, says the Maharshdam, we must try to find leniencies for an agun, a man whose wife is absent. The plight of the trapped man can lead to grave religious consequences, and must be treated with according seriousness. However, Maharshdam does not address the contradictory indications of whether a man or woman wants to be married more.

One avenue of differentiation is the time of marriage. The Gemara says that women wish to marry rather than remain single. This could refer to prior to marriage, when they wish to become established in the community as an adult in a family. Regarding men, the Gemara only discusses an attitude as a marriage dissolved. It could be that, prior to marriage, women wish to marry more. Once joined together, a man is hurt more by the dissolution of the marriage. Perhaps his wife cared for him in some ways and now he must fend for himself.

Rav Chaim Yosef David Azulai (Chida; Birkei Yosef, Even Ha-Ezer 1:6) quotes Rav Yitzchak Castro (Maharikash), who takes a different approach. A woman, Maharikash says, wants to get married for her needs. He could be referring to a woman’s need for a husband in order to attain any kind of financial security in a society in which women rarely worked. Alternately, he could mean a woman’s emotional need for a partner. With this, he explains the various sayings quoted in the Talmud (Kesubos 75a) about a woman’s satisfaction with even a husband of low social standing.

In a 1975 address — about, among other things, opposition to a proposal for broad power to annul marriages — Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik emphasized the inherent nature of a woman’s longing for a husband, describing it is a feature of creation. His understanding lends credence to the interpretation of Maharikash’s use of the word “need” as meaning emotional need. However, I am not clear on how Maharikash differentiates between a man’s and a woman’s desire to marry.

Rav Chaim Palaggi (Responsa Chaim Ve-Shalom1:3) distinguishes between pain and need. A man’s physical desires can destroy him spiritually and emotionally without the benefit of a healthy marriage. While women also have physical needs, the pain of singlehood or failed marriage poses a graver challenge to men in the sense of frustrated desires that can lead to violating prohibitions. In contrast, generally speaking women desire marriage for emotional and financial reasons.

Because marriage is a mitzvah, everyone should strive to wed and remain married. A man is forbidden to remain single (Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha-Ezer 1:8), as it says: “It is not good for a person to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). While the halachah specifies a man, there is room to say that a woman also must marry, with or without an explicit obligation. Our desires and pains direct us toward this natural state of union.