17 Mar Dating and Relationship Advice

Hi! I love reading your column.

So, here’s my story. I’ve been married for five months. My wife is kind, considerate, and appreciative. We work long hours and enjoy our precious time together when we are both home. One difference between us, is that she is such a homebody. She’d rather stay in than go out. When we were dating, I knew she was more of a recluse, but it didn’t bother me because I would share my time between her and my own personal friends. But now that we are married, she only wants to stay in and while I appreciate the time we share, I also need other social outlets. As the months go on, I see that I am slowly losing touch with my friends. This saddens me immensely, but I’m not sure what to do. We are newlyweds and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her at home, while I go gallivanting off with my friends. Last week we hosted our first Shabbos meal. It felt so good to speak to other people and share quality time with them. Unfortunately, it left her very drained and she mentioned this is not something she would like to repeat often. What should we do?

–Isolated on Long Island

Dear Isolated,

Thanks for reading!

We are so happy that you both enjoy spending time together. It sounds like you both have different needs in terms of socialization. We can’t stress enough the importance of collaboration so that there is minimum of resentment.

It sounds like your wife is an introvert. Does she find social settings overwhelming? Painful? What makes social settings uncomfortable for her? Is she an anxious person by nature? It could be that over time she’ll expose herself to groups, learn to be more comfortable in groups settings and maybe even enjoy them. It also could be that she won’t ever be adept at navigating group conversations or parties.

It appears that you are an extrovert. Your time with friends is important to you and you’ve invested a lot into those relationships. You don’t want to just let them go. You probably also look at social opportunities as adventures. You treasure your time with your wife but you also like to be with others.

To begin with, the both of you must demonstrate that you understand each other’s needs.

Discuss with your wife your appreciation of your time together, and how much it means to you. Express understanding of her dislike of social situations, explore it with her, paraphrasing what she’s told you, to demonstrate that you’ve absorbed her message.

Speak to her about your social needs as well. We know you feel uncomfortable going out without her, but we believe that you should explore the possibility of you going out with your friends once a week to maintain the relationships that you are invested in. Invite her to join but if she does not want to, accept that she has different needs that you have.

With regards to your recent shabbos experience, discuss with her what was the most draining aspect of the meal? Was it the preparation, serving or clean up? Was it the size of the crowd or was it being with people? Discuss with her if there is anything which could be done to make the experience easier or better for her? Is there a time when she could conceive of hosting again?

For most people, friends are a very important component of a person’s life. Often couples date, get married and forget their friends in the process; only waking up a year later to realize that their friends have all moved on and are no longer interested in a maintaining a relationship with you. Don’t let that happen to you. Plan a schedule where you’ll be able to balance her needs for quiet and personal communication, as well as your needs for socialization.

Good Luck! You’ve got this!

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack