01 Sep Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

I am dating an Instagram influencer. She’s sweet, beautiful, and “geschikt.” It might sound amazing but the problem is my life is not my own anymore. Whenever we go out to eat , she snaps a picture. Any activity that we do, she takes a million selfies and many times I am included in it . Everyone knows where we are all the time and I feel my privacy is being violated. When I bring this subject up to her, she says this is her job while she supports herself through college and I should be happy that she gets paid and gets so many things for free. I understand where she is coming from but I am not sure how to balance my private life with this new celebrity status.

-Famous in Flatbush

Dear Famous in Flatbush,

Thanks for reaching out. Part of modern life, and usage of cell phones includes the presence of cameras everywhere. It’s interesting to see how people have turned these everyday devices into a way to make money.

We assume you don’t disagree with her assertions about making money, and having a job, nor the need to take pictures and keep her various stories and feeds active.

The point of your disagreement is how you manage the boundaries of your lives.

One of the parts of an Ashkenazic wedding is when the Kallah walks around the Chasan. These circles represent the walls of the house you are building together. Walls are important in any dwelling because they demarcate what is outside and what is inside.

As both of your lives draw together, the question which continues to rear its head is, what portions of your shared lives are public and which are private. Your girlfriend has made clear choices about those boundaries, and probably hasn’t had the opportunity to reflect on how they impact you.

We’d advise the both of you to have a respectful conversation about these boundaries.

This should not take place when you are an active disagreement, rather speak about it when the both of you are calm. You might want to take along some paper to help you with this discussion. Each one of you should consider what events, activities and space in your lives is public, what is private and what is in between. Then share the lists with each other. Discuss which areas you agree on, which areas you disagree with each other.

Looking at the areas which you disagree, discuss what makes them objectionable. Examine your options regarding each one. Must she post this picture, is there a way that it can be done in a less objectionable way? For example, she could post pictures of last week’s date night, without any time written on it, or leave you out of the shot completely. Find opportunities to show how much you appreciate her job and her creativity, and even find a comfortable zone where you can have fun posing with her.

Communication skills, when used properly, can help a relationship keep both people’s priority in focus!

Hatzlacha,

-Rabbi Reuven & Shira Boshnack