30 Nov Parshas Vayishlach: The Last Conversation of Rachel and Jacob
Finished
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the terms ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ However, at a linguistic conference held in London some years ago, attended by some of the best linguists, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the winner.
The final question put to him was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
Here was his answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes plus an invitation to dine with the Queen, a trip to travel around the world in style, and a case of 25-year-old Eldorado rum.
Now?!
It is not unusual for a husband and wife to have an argument. But all would agree that for everything, including a dispute, there is a proper place and time.
Jacob and Rachel have enjoyed profound kinship. Jacob worked laboriously seven years for her father, Laban, to obtain Rachel’s hand in marriage. After being cheated and receiving Leah as his wife, he reluctantly agreed to give Laban another seven years of labor so he could marry Rachel. The Torah attests that Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah.
For years Rachel was childless. When she finally mothered a child, she named him Yosef, proclaiming “May G-d add another son to me.”
Her wish was granted. She conceived another child. But, as she was about to give birth, tragedy struck. The Torah relates:
And they traveled from Beit-El, and there was a little way left to go before reaching Efrat, and Rachel gave birth, but had difficulty in the birth. When her labor was at its hardest, the midwife said to her, “Have no fear, for it is another boy for you.”
But as she breathed her last—for she was dying—she named him Ben-Oni; but his father called him Benjamin.
Thus Rachel died. She was buried on the road to Ephrath—now Bethlehem.
Why, when Rachel was in such a condition, did Jacob argue with her over the name to be given to the newborn child? Was this the right time and place to argue over such a matter? Wouldn’t Jacob at such a time wish to convey words of comfort?
What is more, we have never observed such an argument with anyone of the other children. Each of Jacob’s twelve sons and daughter were named by their mothers and Jacob never gave another name. Here, as Rachel is dying, Jacob intervenes and changes the baby’s fresh name?
Rashi’s Perspective
There are many interpretations suggested by the commentators over the generations. Rashi says that the name “Ben Oni,” the son of my sorrow, given by Rachel, refers to the grief and pain endured by her during this baby’s birth, while the name “Bin Yamin” given by Jacob means “son of the south,” and refers to the fact that Binyamin was the only child (“Ben”) born in the land of Israel, which is in the south (“yamin”) relative to the direction from which Jacob was traveling (Aram Naharaim, Harran, which is to the north of Iraq and Canaan). Jacob was attempting to highlight the uniqueness of this child—as the only one born in the Holy Land.
Rashi adds another possible interpretation, that Ben Yamin means a child born after many days and years, signifying he was born as Jacob grew old.
But why the argument?
I will present three interpretations.
The Silence
Let us recall the episode of Jacob’s hasty departure from Laban. Prior to fleeing with Jacob, Rachel had stolen her father’s “terafim” (idols). Upon learning of their disappearance, Laban chased Jacob and accused him of stealing his G-ds. Jacob reacts angrily, and responds:
But anyone with whom you find your G-ds shall not remain alive! In the presence of our kinsmen, point out what I have of yours and take it.” Jacob, of course, did not know that Rachel had stolen them.
Rashi quotes the Midrash that this curse caused Rachel to die in childbirth on the way to Efrat. Which is why the Torah emphasizes that “Jacob was unaware that Rachel had stolen the idols,” suggesting that he would not have uttered such a curse had he known that Rachel stole them.
Now, some time later, Rachel is about to breathe her last. She and Jacob loved each other deeply, and it is time to bid farewell. Not a word is spoken between them.
They do say one thing: they argue about a name. what was this about?
Husband and Wife Think of Each Other
This may actually capture their emotions toward each other. Imagine what Jacob was feeling when he realized that he cursed his wife to die not knowing that she was the one who stole the G-ds? How would any husband feel? Never mind Jacob who loved Rachel with every fiber of his being, and watched his last son being born as his mother was perishing?
How did Jacob feel about himself at that moment? How did Rachel feel?
Husband and wife must have endured a tremendous rush of emotions as they looked into each other eyes knowing that Jacob’s curse was coming true. Imagine the tremendous guilt that Jacob must have felt, knowing that he condemned the most beloved of his wives to a premature death due to a single curse. How tragic!
Rachel peered into his eyes, and knowing what her husband is going through, names the baby Ben Oni, which can be translated as “the son of my deception.”Rachel was saying: It was my fault. I was the one who acted inappropriately. I deceived my father—and you.
To which Jacob responded: Bin Yamin, which can be translated “the son of an oath.” (Yamin means an oath, since traditionally we lift the right hand during an oath). Jacob was saying: The critical condition caused by the birth of this son is the result of my oath to Laban that the one who stole his idols shall not live. It was my oath which led to this tragedy.
As they said goodbye to each other, Rachel was ensuring that Jacob does not live for the remainder of his life with guilt; Jacob was ensuring that Rachel does not blame herself for her death. It was his fault, not hers.
Indeed, there is no outburst of emotion displayed in this story. Because even deeper than Jacob emoting from his own pain, the Torah described his last words to his wife, trying to make her feel at ease. And the last words of Rachel, trying to make Jacob feel better.
Fate of a Child
But there was perhaps more. The argument about the names represented a final exchange between Jacob and Rachel, not about themselves, but about this new-born child.
Rachel knew that her life in this world was ending, and she worried about what would happen to her child growing up without a mother’s care. As Jacob was sitting at her bedside, she expressed her feelings: “I am very concerned about my child. Since he is growing up without a mother to take care of him. I pray that when I am gone from this world and in my heavenly abode, his behavior should not cause me pain and grief.”
Jacob, wanting to comfort his dying wife, told her not to worry. He promised her that he would take extra care of him and assured her that he would be a “ben yamin,” “a right son,” one who would conduct himself in a righteous and holy way, and be a source of delight and nachas to his mother in the world to come.
From Pain to Strength
A powerful insight comes from Nachamanides, the Ramban. “Oni” he says has a dual meaning: “My grief,” and “my vigor.”Rachel called the infant, “the son of my grief;” Jacob chose to give the very same name a different interpretation.
In the words of the Ramban: “It seems to me that his mother called him ‘Ben-Oni,’ meaning to say, ‘Son of my mourning’… but his father converted the ‘Oni’ to mean ‘my strength,’ as in the verse, ‘My power and the beginning of my strength (oni).’… Therefore he calls him Binyamin, or ‘Son of strength,’ for the right side (yamin) is the seat of might… He wanted to call him by the name given to him by his mother, for so it was with all his sons: they were called by the names given to them by their mothers. So he converted it into goodness and strength.”
Ramban has Jacob accepting the name selected by Rachel (i.e., “oni”), but changing it to something else that captures the positive connotation of “oni.”
Jacob was communicating to himself, to his wife, to his new born baby and to his children ever since one of the most important messages of Judaism. The same words in Hebrew used for grief and pain is the word used for strength and vigor. How? All sorrow and pain must bring forth a new birth of awareness, insight, and love.
Jacob ensured that his son will not see himself as a product of sorrow and pain. Yes, he would grieve for the pain and sorrow, but he would never become a victim of it. Instead, he would transform his pain into a springboard for a new source of strength and empowerment.