15 Dec Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

Thanks for writing your column. I wait for it each week. Such great shabbos reading. I have a question. I’ve been dating for the past three years and seem to fall into the same cycle. I keep falling for guys who aren’t right for me. At the beginning everything is great, but then once I find myself getting emotionally invested something changes. I find that when I truly get to know them, they aren’t as nice as I originally thought. They have no drive, aren’t responsible or even nasty. This dating pattern happens over and over again. Is there a way I can stop this from happening? –Lost in Lawrence

Dear Lost in Lawrence,

Thanks for reading our column weekly.

We like to discuss with you a number of possibilities. How are you meeting these guys? Are you being set up or are you meeting them at social events?

If you are being set up, maybe you should vet each person more carefully. Are you calling people that are not listed on his shidduch profile? Are you being honest with the shadchan about what you are looking for? Everyone has expectations and needs. We know it’s a challenging dating world out there, but it is okay to have certain things you will not compromise on. Don’t be afraid to voice them.

If you are realizing later on when you are in knee deep in a relationship that they are not meeting your expectations, consider the following. Dating is a process of self exploration. Over the course of your dating, you will learn things about yourself and the person you are dating. How long does it take for you to learn these guys are not going in the same direction as you? Have you noticed the time getting longer or shorter? How long does it take for you to break off the relationship afterwards?

If you’ve noticed that the time is getting shorter, then it could be that you are learning about yourself and getting to know the real you better. This is progress!

We’d be remiss if we didn’t clarify how realistic your expectations are? Are you being fair? Are you comparing them to others? What is the basis for the expectations? Are they realistic? Communicating your needs and expectations is very important, and at the same time we need to balance them with reality.

If you are finding that you are not able to express your concerns and they are valid, the question is why? Are you feeling pressured to get married and so you turn a blind eye to things he does until you are in a serious relationship? Are family members pressuring you? Are the guys pressuring you? Is society as a whole pressuring you?

You must make the decision which is right for you. Listen carefully to the voices (they could be in your head, too) which are insisting that you keep a bad relationship going, are they yours? Whose are they? They could be that of your family friends or a shadchan. However, if it’s not your voice, you don’t have to listen to it. Your opinion is important. If a match isn’t shayach, then believe in your choice. Remind yourself, no one else in your family or your community are the ones who will be marrying this person.

You said that you feel like this is a cycle that you keep going around in. Can you make a map of how these cycles go? How does it start? How does it end? What stops do you have in the middle? You’ll find that once you have figured out the cycle, it will be easier to break it up.

Are you having trouble opening up, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and communicating. Are you feeling uncomfortable letting your guard down? What are things that you feel like you can’t share? At what point do you feel able? How does it feel when you think of sharing or asking one of these things when “it’s too early?” Rate them from hardest to to easiest. Make a goal to try and share or ask one of the easier ones a little earlier. Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Sit with the feeling a little bit, it will abate . Things that are a little outside of your comfort zone are easier to “expand that comfort zone” to that area.

If you have already established a long term relationship with the guy before this realization sets in, it’s not too late to redeem the relationship unless the person is really not a good person.” Be nice, but firm. Set realistic but concrete expectations. If nothing changes, you do not have to continue with a relationship that is not good for you. Don’t waste his time and more impoatmatly don’t waste your own!

Good luck and please write back to continue the conversation!

–Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack