21 Jul 5 QUESTIONS TO ASK FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Five conversations that
should take
place over the
course of dating and even
within marriage itself.
What are the critical things to look
for in dating to determine if someone is suitable for marriage?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman have
relationships for four decades and
have emerged as authorities on the
factors that contribute to a successful marriage to the point that they
can predict with greater than 90%
accuracy if a couple they observe
Their research shows that kindness
is not only an admirable trait, but
it glues couples together. In fact, it
is the most important predictor of
satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner
feel cared for, understood, and validated, all which combine to feeling
loved. Kindness is not only practiced during good times, but happy
marriages practice kindness even
–
ing sure that communication never
includes condescension, aggression, or name-calling and focuses
only on the issue that needs to be
resolved.
Kindness and compassion are indispensable in marriage and should
be qualities we are unwilling to
compromise on for ourselves or our
children. But there are other factors
which can make or break a marriage and while some answers to
questions are not objectively right
or wrong, discussing them and understanding the different approaches to them, will go a long way to
make a happy marriage.
–
sations that I submit should take
place over the course of dating and
courtship and even within marriage
itself, if they didn’t occur sooner:
1. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY FIGHT?
Disagreements are inevitable in
marriage. How those differences
are navigated is the driver of the
success of the marriage. Did your
family put things on the table, have
it out, did they sweep them under
the carpet, or did they silently shut
down when issues arose?
2. AFFECTION
Did your family prioritize and
show verbal and physical affection with one another or was it
assumed and not expressly provided? How often do your family members say “I love you” or
offer praise?
3. ARTICULATED ROLES
Do you have a more traditional
outlook on gender roles and responsibilities regarding children, income and caring for the
house, or is there an expectation
of sharing all responsibilities
equally?
4. MONEY
Did your family spend money
freely or are they more calculated and frugal? Do you like high
end brand name clothing, furniwith inexpensive or generic alternatives?
5. TRANSPARENCY
How do you feel about privacy
and personal space within marriage? Do you expect to have access to all of my passwords, accounts and spend most free time
together or do you prefer having
personal space and sometimes
doing things apart?
In large part there are no right
questions and they are certainly
not a comprehensive list of the
type of issues that truly make or
break a marriage. Nevertheless,
they are a sample of the types of
ways I believe we should be thinking about evaluating a prospective
mate and focusing on the critical
things in marriage.
Gottman’s research has shown
about perpetual problems. All couples have them – the problems that
are grounded in the fundamental
differences that any two people
face.
They are the issues that create the
again with both sides thinking this
will be the time I convince the other that my way is right, though it
never happens. Gottman says that
–
versation that needed to take place,
–
and over, we can eliminate almost
simply identifying our fundamental differences and devising a strategy of how we will navigate them
with the spirit of compromise and
partnership.
Rabbi Chaim Vital said: “A person’s character traits are primarily
measured based upon how they are
to their spouse.” If we learn to ask
the right questions and emphasize
the most important things, perhaps
we can improve the process of
of our marriages themselves.