22 Aug 5 QUESTIONS TO ASK FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Five conversations
that should take
place over the
course of dating and
even within
marriage itself.
What are the critical things to look
for in dating to determine if someone
is suitable for marriage?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman have
been scientifically studying healthy
relationships for four decades and
have emerged as authorities on the
factors that contribute to a successful
marriage to the point that they can
predict with greater than 90%
accuracy if a couple they observe will
still be married in five years.
Their research shows that kindness is
not only an admirable trait, but it
glues couples together. In fact, it is the
most important predictor of
satisfaction and stability in a marriage.
Kindness makes each partner feel

cared for, understood, and validated,
all which combine to feeling loved.
Kindness is not only practiced during
good times, but happy marriages
practice kindness even in the way a
couple fights by making sure that

comminication, aggression, or name-
calling anf focuses only on the issue

that needs to be resolved.
Kindness and compassion are
indispensable in marriage and should
be qualities we are unwilling to
compromise on for ourselves or our
children. But there are other
factorswhich can make or break a
marriage and while some answers to
questions are not objectively right or
wrong, discussing them and
understanding the different
approaches to them, will go a long
way to make a happy marriage.
Here are five examples of
conversations that I submit should
take place over the course of dating
and courtship and even within

marriage itself, if
they didn’t occur
sooner:
1. HOW DID
YOUR FAMILY
FIGHT?
Disagreements are
inevitable in
marriage. How those
differences are
navigated is the
driver of the success
of the marriage. Did
your family put
things on the table,
have it out, did they
sweep them under the carpet, or did
they silently shut down when issues
arose?
2. AFFECTION
Did your family prioritize and show
verbal and physical affection with one
another or was it assumed and not
expressly provided? How often do
your family members say “I love
you” or offer praise?
3. ARTICULATED ROLES
Do you have a more traditional
outlook on gender roles and
responsibilities regarding
children, income and caring for
the house, or is there an expectation
of sharing all responsibilities
equally?
4. MONEY
Did your family spend money
freely or are they more calculated
and frugal? Do you like high end
brand name clothing, furniture
and cars or are you satisfied with
inexpensive ot generic
alternatives?
5. TRANSPARENCY
How do you feel about privacy
and personal space within
marriage? Do you expect to have
access to all of my passwords,
accounts and spend most free time
together or do you prefer having
personal space and sometimes
doing things apart?
In large part there are no right or

wrong answers to these five questions
and they are certainly not a
comprehensive list of the type of
issues that truly make or break a
marriage. Nevertheless, they are a
sample of the types of ways I believe
we should be thinking about
evaluating a prospective mate and
focusing on the critical things in
marriage.
Gottman’s research has shown that
69% of relationship conflicts is about
perpetual problems. All couples have
them – the problems that are grounded
in the fundamental differences that
any two people face.
They are the issues that create the
fights that happen over and over again
with both sides thinking this will be
the time I convince the other that my
way is right, though it never happens.
Gottman says that with every fight
there was a conversation that needed
to take place but a fight happened
instead. Rather than revisit the same
fight over and over, we can eliminate
almost 70% of th conflict in marriage,
by simply identifying our fundemental
differences and devistating a strategy
of how we will navigate them with the
spirit of copromise and partnership.
Rabbi Chaim Vital said: “A person’s
character traits are primarily measured
based upon how they are to their
spouse.” If we learn to ask the right
questions and emphasize the most
important things, perhaps we can
improve the process of finding a mate,
as well as the health of our marriages
themselves.