17 Jan A PRICELESS GIFT THAT BLEW AWAY THE RECIPIENT

Did you have a happy
Chanukah? Did you
get any good gifts? It
turns out if you want
to increase your
happiness and health,
the question is not did
you get any good gifts but did you give
any. Research across psychology and
neuroscience shows that giving gifts
lights up the pleasure portions of the
brain.
In a widely-quoted study, Elizabeth
Dunn, Ph.D., professor of psychology at
the University of British Columbia, gave
participants either $5 or $20 and told one
group to spend it on either other people
and the other group to spend it on
themselves. The results showed that
people who were told to spend on others
were significantly happier than those who
spent the money on themselves, regardless
of the dollar amount.
Happiness does not result from a focus
inward, but it results from the deep
satisfaction and profound gratification of
imitating God and helping and giving to

others. The Rambam discusses the
Halachos of giving not when discussing
Chanukah, but in reference to Purim. At
the end of Hilchos Megillah (2:17), the
Rambam makes an incredible comment.
He asks, if a person has limited funds and
must choose between having a more
lavish and luxurious Purim meal, more
extravagant and impressive mishloach
manos, or giving more matanos l’evyonim,
money to the poor, what should he do and
why?
The Rambam codifies that the resources
should be dedicated to helping the
indigent and poor because Purim is about
simcha and there is no greater happiness
than bringing joy to others, especially the
underprivileged.
Someone once wrote to the Lubavitcher
Rebbe zt’l in a state of deep depression
and hopelessness. The letter essentially
said, “I would like the Rebbe’s help. I
wake up each day sad and apprehensive. I
can’t concentrate. I find it hard to pray. I
keep the commandments, but I find no
spiritual satisfaction. I go to the synagogue
but I feel alone. I begin to wonder what

life is about. I need help.”
The Rebbe sent a brilliant reply that did
not use even a single word. He simply
circled the first word of every sentence in
the letter and sent it back. The author of
the letter understood, and he was on the
path to greater happiness and hope. The
circled word at the beginning of each
sentence was “I.”
A self-centered person, a taker, can never
be happy in life because they could never
take enough. Givers find joy in doing for
others and therefore have great access to
happiness because there are always ample
opportunities to give.
Dunn found that an exceedingly
underrated gift is much simpler and
cheaper than you think, the gift of
gratitude. She observed, “Research shows
that people absolutely love hearing
expressions of gratitude. It makes people
super happy.” You don’t have to spend a
lot of money or figure out the perfect gift.
“Writing really lovely thank you notes to
people is actually a great gift in itself.”
Moshe Rabbeinu had many names
and yet the one he is universally
known by is Moshe. Why? Of all his
names, why use the one given by
Bisya, the daughter of Pharaoh, who
saved him from the river? Why not
use the name his own mother gave
him? The Torah endorses the name
Moshe as a perpetual thank you to
Bisya for her generous and courageous
act. Sometimes, an act of generosity
is so great, it cannot possibly be repaid
other than to never stop saying thank
you.
This week I learned of yet a different
type of gift, one the giver and recipient
both benefit from and enjoy.
A dear friend of mine who leads a
very successful company held a retreat
for his employees and their spouses,
an overwhelming majority of whom
are observant. The long weekend
provided magnificent hospitality,
delicious delicacies, fun activities,
spiritual inspiration and amazing
entertainment. The level of gashmiyus,
material pleasure, was matched and
surpassed by the height of the
ruchniyus, the spiritual atmosphere
and opportunities.
The employees wanted to present a
gift to the company’s owner in
gratitude not only for the weekend but

for all he does for them regularly, but they
were stuck. What would be meaningful?
What would be something he would
appreciate that he couldn’t easily get for
himself?
What they gave him blew him away.
They presented a stunning edition of the
Sefer Chafetz Chaim, a sefer he learns
daily with his wife, but that wasn’t the
real gift. They distributed copies of
Chafetz Chaim: A Daily Companion, a
wonderful work on the concepts and laws
of proper speech, to all the employees,
and made a group commitment to study
and implement it in his honor. He was so
excited and it meant the world to him.
It has been said, the best things in life
aren’t things. While there are “things,”
necessities in life that we can’t live
without, and there are “things” that make
wonderful, sentimental, and practical
presents, sometimes the greatest gift is not
a thing, but a commitment to improve and
to become better.
Not in lieu of material gifts, but alongside
them, we can gift our spouse a commitment
to be a better husband or wife, we can gift
our parents a practical plan of how we will
be a better son or daughter, we can
demonstrate to our friend the gift of more
loyal friendship. These gifts won’t break
the bank, they don’t cost anything, but
they are invaluable.
If you want to find happiness, don’t
focus on getting but giving. Give a gift to
someone for no reason at all, make them
feel acknowledged and visible. It will
bring a smile to their face and put
happiness in your heart. Give the gift of
gratitude for those who have enriched
your life. Don’t just mumble a thank you,
take the time to write a nice note and
communicate meaningfully. But the
greatest gift you can give both yourself
and others around you is to become the
best version of yourself, the person they
deserve you for you to be.