31 Dec A TRUE ESSENTIAL OF LIFE

The Torah tells us,
“Va’yechi Yaakov
be’eretz Mitzrayim –
And Yaakov lived in
the land of Egypt.” The
Baal HaTurim reveals
that the gematria, the
numerical value, of the
word va’yechi is 34. He explains that
34 represents the 17 years that Yaakov
lived together with Yosef before he was
sold, and the 17 years he lived with him
in Egypt. These, he elaborates, were the
best years of Yaakov’s life.
The obvious question is: What about
the 14 years that Yaakov studied in the
Academy of Sheim v’Eiver? These
were blissful years of Torah involvement
without any distractions whatsoever
as we know, “Ein simcha k’simchas
haTorah – There is no joy like the joy
of Torah.” The posuk talso testifies,
“Pikudei Hashem yishorim, misamchei
leiv – The commandments of Hashem

are upright, they gladden the heart.”
And it says, “Toras Hashem temima,
meishivas nofesh – The Torah of Hashem
is perfect, it rejuvenates the soul.” So,
adding together the 34 years Yaakov
spent with Yosef and the 14 years of
Torah, we should be mentioning at least
48 wonderful years.
Why then only 34 years? I believe that
the answer to this mystery is that during
the 14 years Yaakov learned in Sheim
v’Eiver, he wasn’t married.(On the
other hand during the seventeen years
in Egypt he was still married to Bilhah)
When a person isn’t married, they are
only a half, an incomplete person. Why
do we say l’chaim in the plural? One
reason is that we are wishing people
the best of two worlds, olam hazeh and
olam haba, this world and the wonderful
Afterlife. Another reason is when we
toast someone, we toast his married
‘unit,’ and since ishto k’gufo, a wife is
considered like part of his very body,
we toast the couple l’chaim, to both of

them. As the posuk tells us,
“Al kein ya’azov ish es aviv
v’imo, v’davak b’ishto,
v’hayu l’vasar echad –
Therefore a man should
leave his parents, cleave to
his wife and become one
flesh.”
Indeed, we just experienced
this idea halachically.
When we light the menorah
each night of Chanukah, in
some homes everyone lights their own
menorah, even the daughters. However,
the exception is the wife for, since she
is one with her husband, his lighting
represents her lighting as well.
To forge this sense of oneness is the
great challenge of marriage. When a
couple goes under the chuppah together,
they are accepting upon themselves the
profound commitment that from now
on, “You are the most important person
in my life. Above all others, I will be
available to you when you need me. I
will give you my most tender speech,
and I pledge to you my unwavering
loyalty.” As Rav Pam said, under the
chuppah, the bride walks around the
groom seven times to symbolically
declare that from now on, “You are
the center of my universe.” When
a husband and a wife achieve this
aura of togetherness, they succeed
in bringing the Shechinah to their
home. As it says, “Ish v‘isha shalom
beineihem, Shechinah shruyah
beineiham – A husband and wife,
when there is peace between them,
the Divine Presence rests with them.”
Since the objective of marital unity
brings the coveted blessing of the
Shechinah, the yeitzer hara, the evil
inclination tries mightily to block one’s
marital harmony. We therefore must
strive vigorously to maintain the magic
of our oneness at all times. Here are
several strategies that are sure to be of
assistance:
Make an effort often to sincerely

compliment your spouse. That’s a sure-
fire way to put a smile on their face.

Limit criticism only to matters of a
permanent nature, matters that will
really make a difference to your quality
of lives.
Give thought to ways that you can make

your spouse happy and strive to fulfill
them.
Here is perhaps the number one golden
rule for marital success: The best way
to get something is to give it. If you
want warmth, don’t wait. Take the
initiative and be warm to your spouse.
If you want smiles, smile. If you want
giggles, giggle. If you want them to
give you time, make sure when they
need you that you clear your slate right
away. Remember, whatever you set out
to do, you will get back. This is because
marriage is reciprocal in nature. It is
for this reason that the Hebrew word
that describes marital harmony is sus
which is a palindrome, for when you are
patient, you will get back patience. Use
this imagery: View your spouse as a big
mirror. Whatever you show the mirror,
that’s what you’ll get back.
In the merit of upgrading our marital
union, may Hashem bless us with long life,
good health, and everything wonderful.