19 Sep APOLOGIZING HALACHICALLY

I. Asking for
Forgiveness
In recent years,
there has been much
discussion about what
constitutes a sufficient
apology. Sometimes
people apologize
under pressure and do not really admit
to having done anything wrong. Even
genuine apologies face careful scrutiny
under constantly evolving requirements for
contrition. Halachah offers some guidance
on how to apologize properly.
The Gemara (Yoma 87b) tells the story of
how Rav was reciting the Torah portion in
front of R. Yehudah Ha-Nasi. As colleagues
entered the room, Rav went back to the
beginning so they would hear the whole
thing. After doing this a few times, Rav was
frustrated and when the next person entered
— R. Chanina — Rav continued without
returning to the beginning. R. Chanina
was insulted that Rav treated him with less
respect than his colleagues. For thirteen
years, Rav apologized to R. Chanina every
Yom Kippur eve but R. Chanina refused to
forgive him. (The Gemara explains why
Rav did this so many times and why R.

Chanina still did not forgive him.)
Based on this and other similar stories,
Rabbeinu Asher (Rosh; Yoma 8:24) says
that you should ask forgiveness on Yom
Kippur eve from anyone who might hold
anger over your actions. Discussion within
the context of this idea offers guidance on
how to apologize properly. Rosh’s son,
Rabbeinu Ya’akov, codifies this in his Tur
(Orach Chaim 606) and adds that the person
asking forgiveness should seek out the
person he offended. Rav Yoel Sirkes (Bach,
ad loc.) says that the Gemara (Yoma 87a)
quotes Proverbs (6:2-3) as a source for the
requirement to ask for forgiveness, which
sounds like you must seek out the victim:
“You have been trapped by what you said,
ensnared by the words of your mouth… So
do this, my son, to save yourself, since you
have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Go,
humble yourself, and urge your neighbor.”
If we want to become free of our offenses
to others, we have to go to the victim and
ask for forgiveness.
II. Three Times
The Gemara (ibid., 87a) says that you
should apologize at most three times (and
therefore asked why Rav apologized more
than that). If your victim still does not

forgive you, then you should move on
because you have done all that you can.
The Gemara deduces this from the request
Yosef’s brothers told him came from his
father: “Please (Ana), forgive please (sa
na), the transgression of your brothers
and their sin, for the bad that they did to
you. And now, please (ve-ata na), forgive
the transgression of the servants…” (Gen.
50:17). The repetition three times of na
(please) implies that they asked three
times. You do not become subservient to
someone just because you harmed them.
You must sincerely apologize and attempt
to obtain their forgiveness, but there is a
limit to your obligation to them — three
apologies.
Tur (ibid.) quotes this Gemara which says
that you should take three people with you
when you ask for forgiveness (each time,
if necessary). They come to help convince
the victim to forgive you. However, Rav
Ya’akov Moelin (Maharil; Sefer Maharil,
Yom Kippur) says that first you should
ask for forgiveness privately. If that fails,
then you bring three people with you three
times (a total of four attempts). According
to Maharil, you should first try to resolve
the matter privately. Only if that route fails,
then you make it a little more public to
reach a resolution. If those four attempts
do not work, then you gather ten people
and announce that you sinned against
that person and he does not want to
forgive you.
Rav Ya’akov Ibn Chaviv, in his Ein
Ya’akov (Yerushalmi Yoma, ch. 8),
includes a passage in which Shmuel
says: “He who sins against his friend
must tell him that he wronged him.
If he accepts, good. If not, he brings
other people and apologizes in front
of them…” This seems like proof for
Maharil’s position. Rav Ya’akov Ibn
Chaviv, in his commentary on this
passage, criticizes those who send a
messenger — a mediator — with an
apology. According to this passage, if
you sinned against him then you have to
go yourself and ask for his forgiveness.
Rav Shmuel Yaffe Ashkenazi, in
his Yefeh Mareh commentary on
Yerushalmi (ad loc.), disagrees with
that interpretation. The goal is to reach
reconciliation between the two parties.
It does not matter how they reach it.
III. Different Ways
Maharil (ibid.) adds a profound point.
He notes that Yosef’s brothers use
different language in each of the three
requests. When you ask for forgiveness
multiple times, ask differently each
time. There is no one correct formula.

Everyone responds differently and when
you apologize, you try to find the right
words and approach that reaches your
victim. Bach (ibid.) and Mishnah Berurah
(606:3) follow Maharil on this. But this all
has limits — only three times. If the victim
still refuses to accept the apology, he is
acting cruelly and you can move on after
declaring in front of ten people that you
have tried your best (Rema, Orach Chaim
606:1).
Bach (ibid.) adds that just like when
you confess your sins to G-d you have
to specify your sins, so too when you
apologize to someone you must specify
what you did to harm them. Your apology
is lacking without this specific information.
Rav Avraham Gombiner (Magen Avraham
606:intro) agrees but adds that if specifying
the sin will embarrass the victim, then you
should refrain from doing so.
Putting everything together, when you
apologize you should tailor your message
specifically to be effective for the victim,
mentioning the specific offense unless this
will further hurt the victim. According
to most, you should first reach out to the
victim privately. If that does not work, then
you apologize a little more publicly. If the
victim does not accept your apology, try
rephrasing it in a way to which he relates
better. Your focus should be on results —
reconciliation — more than on process.
If he still does not respond to repeated
attempts at reconciliation, tell people that
you wronged him and that you apologized,
and move on.