17 May BEHAR

This week’s parashah teaches us to be cautious from from hurting people with words. As the Torah says, “Don’t harm your fellow man [verbally]…” (25:17). There are many forms of “onat dvarim”. Among them are insulting, embarrassing, and causing harm in any other way. In common English it could be translated, “verbal abuse.” The following are examples of “Lo Tono” and are stated in Gemara (Bava Metzia 58): One says, “I remember the aveiros you committed when you were younger.” “You are suffering, because you sinned and did such and such.” The Gemara also says: When someone asks you, “Where can I find a wheat merchant? “ Don’t advise him to go to someone who doesn’t carry wheat. It’s Onaas Dvarim. The commentaries explain: (1) you’re embarrassing the seller, because when people come asking for wheat, he will feel like he’s not a successful businessman, since he isn’t supplying wheat. (2) You’re also embarrassing the person asking for wheat, because he will feel foolish asking for wheat from someone who doesn’t sell it. Rashi writes, “It is forbidden to insult your fellow man, or to give advice to your friend that isn’t good for him” (25:17). The Gemara elaborates on this topic to show us just how terrible onaas dvarim is: The Gemara says, “onaas dvarim, to hurt people with words is worse than ïåîî úàðåà, cheating people financially… Shaming someone is similar to murdering him… Three people go to Gehinom and never leave: Someone who commits adultery, someone who embarrasses his friend in public, and someone who calls his friend by a derogatory nickname…. Those who embarrass others in public, lose their share in Olam HaBa… It is better to be thrown into a furnace than to embarrass your friend in public… One must in be particularly cautious from from insulting or offending your wife, because her tears come easily, so the punishment also comes quickly…. [Since the Beis HaMikdash was destroyed] all gates [of heaven] are closed [and prevent the tefillos from going up] aside from “shaarei ona’ah”, [he who prays to Hashem because he was insulted, the doors of heaven are open, and Heaven hears his words]… All sins get punished by messengers [angels] aside for Onaas Dvarim [which Hashem Himself punishes the sinner]” (Bava Metzia 59). 1 The Sefer HaChinuch (mitzvah 338) writes: “It is proper for people to be cautious that their words do not insult others, even indirectly. The Torah is very stringent with this prohibition… For many people, words hurt more than when they are cheated financially. As Chazal tells us… He will not be punished with lashes (malkus, in the beis din) however, the Master Who commanded us this law, blessed be His name, and has many means of castigation at His disposal.” The Chinuch warns us that punishments can come due to Onaas Dvarim. We are generally unable to trace the source of our suffering as we don’t know which sin triggered the misery. However, let us be aware of the severity of hurting another Yid with words. It can chalilah result with immense suffering, so we should therefore be careful. Onaas devarim also applies to children. Just as we may not insult, offend, or shame adults with words, we may not do to children either. There are times when rebuke is necessary – to children, or students – however, even then one should be extremely careful how it is delivered, so he won’t sin with his words. The Chinuch writes, “It is proper that one is also careful not to hurt children with words — except for when absolutely necessary in order to educate. This also applies to his own children and to all the people of his household. Those who deal softly with children, and do not cause them sorrow, will find life, brachah and kavod [honor]…” To steer clear from Onaas Dvarim, one should get into the practice of speaking kindly to everyone. The Midrash on this week’s parashah writes, “Rebbi made a seudah for his students and served soft tongue and hard tongue. The students chose the soft pieces. Rebbi said, ‘My children, also when you speak…, choose the soft tongue.”2 The Sefer HaChinuch writes, “It is impossible to list every example of embarrassment and affront that one should be careful from, so everyone should be careful as they understand. Hashem knows every step of man… Chazal gave us several examples [of onaas devarim] so we can understand just how careful we should be.”

Stories of Stories of Tzaddikim Who were Who were Cautious with Cautious with This Prohibition

Rebbe Shlomke of Zvhil zt’l had an open-door policy where everyone was welcome. One of his steady guests was Reb Yaakov, a tall, very overweight, filthy, ignorant Yid. He wasn’t welcome anywhere else — he wasn’t even permitted to use the local mikvahs because of the way he smelled — but he was welcome at Rebbe Shlomke’s. Once, while the second World War was raging, Rebbe Shlomke said, “If the people of Yerushalayim would permit Reb Yaakov to use the mikvah, the Yidden in Europe wouldn’t suffer so much.” Reb Yaakov Yitzchak Weiss zt’l (the Rav of Yerushalayim, author of Minchas Yitzchak) was married three times. This is his inspirational story, which he himself related: When he was young, travel was difficult — unlike today, when one can get anywhere in the world within a day or two. A shidduch was suggested for him. Since the girl and her family lived far away and it was hard for the Minchas Yitzchak’s parents to travel there, they sent a shaliach to check out the girl and her family and to determine whether the girl was a fitting match for their son. The shaliach returned and said that it was a fine match, and Reb Yaakov Yitzchak was engaged from the distance. As the wedding date drew near, the Weiss’s traveled to the kallah’s hometown for the chasunah. When Reb Yaakov Yitzchak’s mother saw the kallah for the first time, she was very disappointed. It wasn’t a proper match for her son at all. She wanted to terminate the shidduch. According to halachah it was permissible, but Reb Yaakov Yitzchak said, “Perhaps with time I will divorce her. But right now, I don’t want to embarrass her.” They were married and had one son, Reb Beirish, but then his wife was killed in war. Reb Yaakov Yitzchak remarried to the daughter of the Rav of Vasloy zy’a. Afterwards, he married the daughter of the Imrei Chaim of Viznitz zy’a, but he didn’t have children from either of them. His only child is Reb Beirish, born to the woman he didn’t want to shame. Reb Yaakov Yitzchak testifies, “Doctors told me that it was impossible for me to bear children. Beirish was a miracle. I am certain that I merited this only child, as a reward for not embarrassing a Jewish girl.”4 Rebbe Pinchas Koritzer zy’a had a friend, who was a great scholar and talmid chacham. This friend fell ill, and Rebbe Pinchas Koritzer went to visit him. Rebbe Pinchas had him promise that after his demise he would come down to this world to tell him what happened to him in heaven. After his friend died, he appeared to Rebbe Pinchas Koritzer and said, “Throughout my lifetime, I never caused pain or distress to anyone. As a reward, it was decreed that I would die without any pain, and the entire burial process would be painless. When I left my body, I didn’t realize that I was dying. I heard a doctor tell me that to recover from my illness, I must sleep deeply for a very long time. I didn’t realize that this sleep was my death. Then I heard the doctor say, “Place him on the floor, because he needs to warm up.” I was placed on the floor, as is done to the dead, but I still thought that I was alive. Afterwards, the doctor told people to take me outdoors to get some air. This was actually the funeral. Until I was buried I didn’t know that I had died. It was a perfectly painless and sorrow-free death. After I was buried in the ground, the angels came. They wanted to punish me because ‘there is no tzaddik in the world, who does good and never sins,’ and of course, I also have my share of iniquities. However, since I never hurt another Yid, angels of mercy came, and brought me straight to Gan Eden.”