31 Jan CRITICIZING ISRAEL – THE 5:1 RULE

Dr. John Gottman
has spent his career

studying healthy mar-
riages and has scientif-
ically identified the

behaviors that con-
tribute to dysfunction-
al ones. He can spend a short time with a

couple and predict with over 90% accura-
cy if they will still be married in five

years from that point.
Gottman found that the single biggest
determinant to a happy and healthy
marriage is the ratio of positive to
negative comments the partners make to
one another. A different study examined
factors that made the greatest difference
between the most and least successful
business leadership teams. The optimal
ratio was amazingly similar in both
studies—five positive comments for
every negative one. For those who ended
up divorced (or for unsuccessful business
teams), the ratio was 0.77 to 1—or
something like three positive comments
for every four negative ones.
If we want relationships to not only
survive but to thrive, we must make a

concerted effort to express compliments
in a 5 to 1 ratio over criticisms. This
magic formula is critical not only for
marriage or business but for any
relationship we are invested in and we
want to feel connected to. Parents must be
mindful of the ratio in interacting with
children and educators should be
thoughtful of this proportion when
communicating with students.
Recently, I have been thinking of one
other relationship in which this ratio is
critical: our relationship with the State of
Israel.
The new Israeli government, one that
has frequently been described as the most
right-wing in Israel’s short history, has
attracted significant attention and
garnered strong criticism. Some have
expressed outrage at the election and
appointment of several ministers. Others
express concerns about proposed
legislation regarding judicial reforms,
arguing they risk compromising and
undermining the foundation of Israel’s
very democracy. Still others have strong
feelings over the ministerial appointment
of Aryeh Deri and the subsequent

Supreme Court decision to invalidate it.
Sadly, and unfortunately, both opponents
and defenders of the current coalition and
its proposed legislation have too often
oversimplified the issues, eliminated
nuance, subtlety, and legal analysis and
have resorted to sound bites that serve a
political agenda. These issues and topics
are complicated, and deserve analysis and
study before arriving at or expressing an
opinion; yet, as is often the case,
predictably, most will choose to take an
uninformed position that conforms to
political affiliation and loyalty regardless
of the actual complexities of the issues.
Several American Jewish organizations
have weighed in and publicly offered
their criticism, expressed their outrage, or
prophesized their doom and gloom for
Israel’s future. Locally, a prominent
Jewish organization was weighing adding
its voice to the chorus of those publicly
proffering criticism and concern with a
statement and communication to its
constituents. I think that is a tragic and
potentially destructive mistake.
Certainly, Israel is not beyond reproach
or criticism from either direction.
Some thought the last coalition that
included Mansour Abbas of Ra’am,
an Islamic Party, was the time to
express public concern while others
feel the current coalition that includes
far-right ministers Bezalel Smotrich
and Itamar Ben-Gvir is worthy of
protest and opposition. Some felt the
Gaza withdrawal was worthy of
public statements in resistance, while
others expressed concern about
expansion in Judea and Samaria.
Our words matter and we must be
extremely judicious in deciding how
to use them. Rav Aharon Soloveitchik,
zt”l, writes in his book Logic of the
Heart, Logic of the Mind, “Upon
delivery from the Egyptian bondage,

the Israelites regained their self-
expression. As long as they were

subjected to Egyptian bondage, their
self-expression was stifled and
suppressed. But at the moment of
Exodus, the Israelites regained their
speech. Slaves cannot express or
assert themselves properly. They
cannot realize their potential. Only
the free man is capable of doing so.”
The Arizal saw the connection
between speech and freedom in the
very name of the holiday. Pesach, he
explained, comes from “Peh – sach” –
“a mouth converses.” Part of

affirming our freedom is affirming the
awesome responsibility that comes with
freedom of speech.
Criticism is, of course, at times
warranted, but I wonder about the wisdom
of Jewish organizations in the Diaspora
expressing it on either side through public
statements and proclamations. Will
statements influence policy and politics
in Israel in a meaningful way or do they
just contribute to sowing division and
discord while satisfying a certain segment
of a base of constituents? Is the goal to
simply level a protest for posterity? What
is the risk or unintended consequence of
criticizing Israel publicly in America, no
matter how warranted or deserved it may
be?
A 2021 Pew Study found that only 60%
of U.S. Jews say they are either very
emotionally attached or somewhat
emotionally attached to the modern state
of Israel. Will non-nuanced and
oversimplified public criticisms from
both sides bring diaspora Jews closer or
further to Israel? Will it garner more or
less support for Israel from the general
American public and from American
elected officials?
To be clear, what is at stake is not Israel’s
connection to diaspora Jews, but diaspora
Jews’ connection to Israel. If that is
severed, Israel will survive, but Jews with
tenuous identity may not. The leaders of
diaspora organizations should think
carefully about what best serves the
interests of their constituency and what
promotes a healthy long-term relationship
in which criticism will be relevant and
important but cannot be the central or
most common expression.
One can violate the 5:1 ratio, criticize
more freely and frequently, but they will
be an outside critic, not someone
nurturing a relationship. If we want to
promote and strengthen our and others’
relationship with Israel, it behooves us to
hold ourselves to Gottman’s standard and
work hard to release at least five
statements of support and compliments
for every time we feel it is necessary to
criticize.