Have Questions or Comments?
Leave us some feedback and we'll reply back!

    Your Name (required)

    Your Email (required)

    Phone Number)

    In Reference to

    Your Message


    09 Apr Dating and Relationship Advice

    Posted at 22:12h in by
    0 Likes

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,

    I was dating a guy for 3 months, and I fell hard for him. We had common goals, and enjoyed speaking about all things pre-law. We spoke night and day, and had a magic present, which is hard to describe After three months, he dumped me. I understand why he wasn’t right for me, but now, a year later I’m dating a wonderful young man who I care about, we share common interests, but that “spark” is not there. What should I do? I feel like I might be missing out on a different great guy just because of something that I can’t quite put my finger on.

    -Sparkless in Brooklyn

     

    Hi Sparkless!

    We’d like you to do a mental exercise. Can you close your eyes and think about both of these young men. Think about what was it that excited you about this first guy? Was he more attractive physically than your current boyfriend, how so? Were there familial/cultural factors which you found attractive, what were they? How much time are you spending with your current boyfriend, is that different? Are you seeing your current boyfriend too much? Are you seeing him too little? Are you excited to be with him or are you relieved when you are not with him?

    Also, we’d like you to consider the following thought. Is it possible you are more on guard after the last incident, and are afraid of “letting someone get close again?” Sometimes, after a “let-down”, we are “on-guard” not to let the same thing happen again. You could be worrying that he could at any moment dump you, just like the last guy. One more alternative, maybe you are comparing too much. Maybe you are asking yourself if your experience will ever be as good as it was with your ex.

    Of course, there simply might not be the chemistry between the two of you, despite shared interests.

    It’s normal to be a little on edge, or doubtful about the future, but if you find yourself unable to open up again and let your guard down; you might consider speaking with a professional to learn to trust again.

    Good Luck!

    Rabbi Reuven Boshnack LMHC and Shira Boshnack, M.Ed. are OU-JLIC Torah Educators at Brooklyn College, where they support hundreds of young people on campus through Torah learning, programming and halachic and personal guidance. The Boshnacks started the now popular JLIConnections, an online dating platform for OU-JLIC students and alumni. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or positions of OU-JLIC or the OU.