20 Jun DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I have a problem. I’m dating a great woman. We are very compatible, she’s attractive, intelligent, and I really like her.
Here’s the issue: Often, when she goes out with friends or I see her speaking with someone else- especially someone from
the opposite gender- I find myself getting very jealous. We both have very limited time due to our jobs, and I feel like
any spare time she should spend with me. How else can you build a relationship? When I tell her how I feel, we end up
in a fight. What should I do?
-Jealous in Brooklyn

Dear Jealous,
We think it’s very special how self-aware you
are. Usually, we hear from the person who is the
subject of such jealousy, and it’s refreshing that you
understand that you are the one who is starting the
fights.
We often carry inside of ourselves the secret hopes
that we will find happiness, maintain our identity
and safety in our relationships. When one of these
hopes doesn’t materialize, it shakes us; our dreams
aren’t coming true, and possibly our nightmares
are materializing. Possibly, when you are having

these reactions, you are cuing in on these fears.
For example, “She likes them better than me.” “I’m
not good enough.” “We’ll never have a life together.”
This leads you to act in an irrational way, feeling
hurt and starting a fight. What can you do to short
circuit this pattern? Reflect: Can I understand what
she’s doing in another way? Not every conversation
with someone else is “choosing them over you.”
Remind yourself; she has her own life, friends and
context, whereas you “just came on the scene.”
Take some deep breaths before reacting. Talk about
your feelings with her.

We hope you will be able to navigate this “bump
in the road” and have a happy life together.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.