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    11 Jul DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 18:00h in by
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    I’m engaged to wonderful woman, who shares the same values as I do, is caring, kind, and sensitive. We had a great
    vort, but as we begin talking about the wedding and our future life together, an area of concern emerged. Her family
    is from Iran, and mine is from Hungary. There is such a difference of culture and customs, and neither side wants to
    budge. Khorash or Shliskes? Bedekin? Talit at the Chupah? Gebrukts or Kitniot?
    Sincerely, Mixed Minhagim

    Dear Mixed Minhagim,
    Navigating differences and learning how
    to compromise are important portions of a
    married couples lives. Even if your families
    attended the same schools, daven in the same
    shuls, went to the same camps, differences are
    inevitable. As each family has their own way
    of doing things, experiences, histories and
    personal choices all merge to form the culture
    of the family. Couples often clash when they
    believe the way that they experienced things
    in their family is the “only right way.” This
    tension is multiplied when the couple is a
    merger between to entirely different cultures,

    that on the outside seem extremely different.
    The most beneficial, healthy thing that you
    can bring to your relationship is a collaborative
    “can do” attitude. It is essential that the both
    of you realize that you are treading in new
    territory, and you will be building a life
    together of things that are familiar and things
    that are new. When there is a difference of
    opinion, 1) Express what expectations you
    have, and what they mean to you. 2) Take
    turns and hear each other out. 3) Paraphrase
    what was said to check for understanding. 4)
    Find a middle ground that the both of you
    can be comfortable. 5) Don’t keep score, there

    will not be a direct one to one correspondence
    between the compromises in your favor, versus
    her favor, but over the course of your lives
    together, Im yirtzeh Hashem, you’ll make it up
    to each other.
    When working through the different customs,
    there can be different halachic implications
    so please consult a Rav who understands the
    situation and the customs to sidestep any
    problems.
    Mazal Tov!

    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.