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    Dear Rabbi and Shira,
    I’m engaged, and I’m not sure what to do. You see, my chasan, who is a lovely guy, who is very sincere, and I had a conversation
    about our parnassah. We agreed that although he was learning full time, when we met, once we were engaged he was going to get
    a job. We’ve been engaged for a month already, and he said to me yesterday, that it is too much of a hastle to get a job before the
    wedding, since he’s only going to have to take off for Sheva Brachos anyway. He also said we shouldn’t worry, because our parents
    can support us anyway. I believe that if you’re old enough to get married, then you should be old enough to support yourself, and
    I thought we were on the same page. Additionally when you accept someone’s money, it always comes with some strings attached.
    I don’t think I can go to work full time, while he is not, without a great degree of resentment. What should I do?
    -Inadvertent Kollel not-yet-wife

    Dear Inadvertent Kollel not-yet-wife,
    What a difficult situation. It’s the beginning of
    your relationship, and you feel confused, that “you
    didn”t sign up for this.”
    We think you should have a discussion with your
    Chassan. Tempers and frustrations might run high
    while you try to discuss this new development.
    Disagreements and misunderstandings are normal
    and natural. You are two people with different
    ways of seeing and dealing with things, and as a
    result you will not agree. How the both of you
    will navigate this situation will help you transform
    this from a fight to a better understanding of each

    other. It is very important to make sure that the
    two of you don’t blame, criticize, get defensive or
    feel cornered. So remember 1) take turns and let
    each side finish their points before responding. 2 )
    Make sure you paraphrase each others to illustrate
    that you understand their position.
    The conversation, if conducted in a respectful and
    constructive way will help you discuss 1) How the
    two of you make decisions, 2) What money, means
    to you and him, 3) The meaning of responsibility
    in a family.
    There might be some other issues which this
    conversation will touch on as well. Are you

    concerned that you might have different priorities
    in your religious lives? Is it possible that he’s finding
    it hard to find a job and this is an easy way to avoid
    something unpleasant? Does he need direction in
    figuring out what he wants to do?
    We hope that this discuss leads you to a
    conversation that your relationship can grow from.

    Hatzlacha Raba,
    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack