19 Sep DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Help. I’m not sure what to do. I’m a newly married guy and just spent Yom Tov with my in-laws. All in all things went pretty well. The meals
were nice, and conversations were pleasant. The food was very agreeable. However, I’m not sure how I can daven in their shul for Yom Kippur.
I grew up in a shteibel, a little small, a tad unruly, a little bit of shmoozing in the background, but all in all they took davening seriously. My
in-laws shul is so loud, I can’t even hear what my neighbor is saying to me. The chazan was horribly nasal, and couldn’t carry a tune if you paid
him. The Rabbis drashas were a collection of disjointed metaphors, punctuated by “ums” and you “knows.” What confuses me the most is that
my in-laws enjoy being there! Under normal circumstances, I could slip out to one of the many other shuls in the neighborhood, but they spent
a lot of money on a seat for me this year. What can I do?
-Low on High Holidays

Dear “low”,
We’re glad that you enjoyed most of your time with
your inlaws! Thinking on the bright side, that could’ve
gone worse! It’s not easy to daven in a place which
isn’t your speed. We’re sure that there must be some
redeeming quality to the place, why your in-laws like it.
Have you been able to speak about it with your wife?
You’ll have to tread carefully because this was her shul
growing up. Does she have positive or negative feelings
about it? What was her history with the shul?
It doesn’t seem like you have too much of a choice in
terms of where you are going to be davening, but you
might try to make the best of it.

Try to come in with more of an open mind. Our brains
will oftentimes color a situation as well as create a great
deal of dread in expectation of something which we feel
will be uncomfortable. This will raise our anxiety, which
in turn will raise our expectations and resentment of
how you aren’t looking forward. Ask yourself to view
each thing as it is, with a compassionate, curious, and
non judgemental stance. You’ll be surprised what you
are missing!
Make sure you have ample reading material for the
times/places where it’s going to drag.
Try to get into your personal davening and block out
all of the outside noise.

Speak to your in-laws. Ask them in a non-attacking
way as to what the draw is to the shul. Is there a family
interaction? For how long have they been members?
Who else goes there? What important relationships have
been created/maintained through their connection?
Sometimes, we end up in situations that challenge
us, they have the exact opposite atmosphere of our
predilections, which is just perfect to help us grow!
We believe that with an open mind and a little creativity,
you’ll be able to grow through this experience.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack