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    27 Sep DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 20:08h in by
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    Dear Rabbi & Shira
    I’m a Baalas Teshuva struggling to find “the one.” Many people won’t date me because of my family background. The
    ones that do date me, I find go through the motions of Judaism but are not as passionate as I am. They seem to do things
    just to mark it off the shidduch checklist. I want someone who isn’t just Jewish but is actually living Judaism.
    -Passionate in Marine Park

    Dear Passionate in Marine Park,
    So sorry to hear about the hard time you are
    having. We believe there are two components of
    the problem.
    The first is that oftentimes people feel that they
    need to do things “for Shidduchim.” This attitude is
    based on the thought that if they want to be set up
    with a “solid guy or girl” and have eternal martial
    bliss, aka “a bayis ne’eman b’yisroel” then they have
    to check things off of their list. Nevermind the fact
    that they are not really interested in doing those
    things, they are merely trying to give themselves
    “a good reputation.” This tends to be problematic

    afterwards, when they stop the behaviors which
    they were only doing for the shidduch profile, and
    creates resentment on both sides. One individual
    of the couple really believes that certain ideologies
    and values are important and the other doesn’t,
    leading to a couple who is mismatched, and will
    have to learn to make their relationship work
    regardless. It’s really important for people to be
    true to themselves and let their Shadchanim and
    parents know about the life that they are actually
    interested in living, not what their parents want.
    Second, sometimes, when a person is born into
    an orthodox community, they have not actively
    chosen the lifestyle that they are leading. Their

    acceptance of Torah and Mitzvot are a given, and
    as result, “just something which we do.” There are
    many people in Brooklyn, who despite the fact that
    they were raised with Torah and Mitzvot, work on
    actively choosing the Torah and Mitzvot as their
    identity and values. You can find groups who are
    enthusiastic about personal growth and Torah.
    Don’t give up searching for someone as passionate
    as you. Don’t settle! That person is out there!
    Hatzlacha Rabba! We wish you success!

    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack