24 Oct DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I got married to Yehuda earlier this year. He is sensitive, attentive and is Kovea itim to learn daily. We are happy, but as all
couples we have our issues that we are trying to resolve. I grew up in a family where my father, who is a “working guy” went to
minyan three times a day. I had believed I married a person who takes their Yiddishkeit seriously and to whom davenning and
tefilla betzibur were important. However, Yehuda does not make it to minyan on time daily, if at all. Whenever I bring it up he gets
very defensive. What should I do?
-Married to Minyan Man?

Dear “Married to Minyan Man?”
We are so glad to hear that you found your bashert.
It’s great that you can frame your relationship ask great
even with the occasional fight.
The tension that you’re experiencing is that you are
both seeing different sides of one issue.
For example, it sounds like to you, going to davenning
is what a “good guy” does. This is one of the bedrocks
of commitment in the frum community. You see this as
the future of your family, and your children’s education.
In his neglect of davenning you see the type of father
he will be. He’s slacking off. You thought you married a
ben torah, and yet before your eyes, you see your future
crumbling , and you are concerned. As a result, you ask
him, why aren’t you going to minyan.

However, maybe his point of view is that since he’s been
old enough to go to shul, it’s been an expectation that he
has to accept, that close to two hours of his day will be in
shul. His parents, rebbeim, mashgichim, Roshel Yeshiva
have all been “on his case” to go to Minyan. Your voice
has joined a chorus of voices telling him to go to Minyan
It could be he has a problem relating to davenning,
maybe he has a hard time focusing for so long, maybe
he’s a chronically late person. But the way you are asking
him, has put him on the defensive. It’s the same story,
and now he has “another mashgiach.”
Instead, try the following approach.
Try starting a conversation with him about davenning,
in the middle of the day, not while you are fighting
about it. Use words like “I’m curious to understand why

Tefillah is difficult for you .” Maybe try going with him
to three tefillos in one day to understand where he’s
coming from.
Then discuss what it means to you. Why it’s so
important to you. Talk to him about your concerns.
Find a quiet time and a place to hear both sides of
this issue, and then have a conversation about how to
move forward. Remember that change does not need to
happen all at once, each step in the right direction is step
closer to our goals!

Hatzlacha Rabah,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack