16 Jan DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Hi, I have a question. I am a newly ,married man, and my wife said that her Kallah teacher taught in class that she should have
one friend whom she vents to about me. I feel that it’s an intrusion. I mean, I wouldn’t talk about her with my friends, although I
might speak to my Rebbe or Mashgiach. Shouldn’t she see a therapist? What do you think? Who should she vent to?
-Who

Dear Who…,
Thank you for your question. There’s a lot of factors
to think about in this important question. First
let’s discuss the halachic ramifications. Rav Daniel
Feldman, in his excellent sefer False Facts and
True Rumors discusses the concept of “venting” in
halacha. For a more detailed analysis, see pages 104-
107. While a person is generally prohibited from
speaking ill about another person, in a situation
where there is benefit in the conversation it may be
permissible.
Classically, the example given by the Gemara
is where Gedalya, of Tzom Gedalya fame did not
listen to the warning that Yishmael was coming to
kill him, saying that it was Lashon Hara. However,
Gedalya was blamed for the casualties which
occurred on that day, because he was supposed to

heed the warning and defend himself. Lashon Hara
does not apply when there is a benefit, or avoidance
of possible loss. This is referred to as “Toeles.” One
such toeles is listening to a person’s troubles, either
to help problems solve even just listening.
Moving on to the second part of the question. What
happens if the venting is about the spouse. Rabbi
Feldman quotes Rav Pam Zatzal and yibadel lchaim,
Rav Schachter Shlit”A, that the spouse is often the
most appropriate person to vent to. However, this
is more difficult when they are seeking guidance
about their spouse. While a mentor or therapist can
be a very useful choice, sometimes a person gains
insight through speaking to a peer, who is
experiencing the same things.
While you might feel uncomfortable knowing

your wife might speak to a friend, your wife might
feel uncomfortable seeing your Rebbe/mashgiach
knowing that you vent to them as well. We believe
that it’s important to stress that whoever you
are speaking to should know how to maintain
confidence. The important thing to stress is that
these conversations are for Toeles, not gossip or
entertainment. Otherwise it would be forbidden.
It could be your wife’s Kallah teacher was also
stressing to have one friend who she can trust and
speak to, not speaking to Sarah one day and Talia
the next.
We wish you both all of the best.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.